In the past week I’ve heard from multiple people who are going through hard times.
One is dealing with several family issues. Another lives in the crosshairs of the Los Angeles fires. Others are going through other personal or community issues. Sick children. Deaths. Divorces.
Sometimes, life deals us a shitty hand, and it can feel random and unfair.
In these moments, it can be really hard to make sense of things. You might feel anger, grief, sadness, or confusion. Maybe all of the above.
If you’re highly attuned to the energy of others and drawn to service, you might feel the impulse to push aside your pain to support those who seem to have it worse.
At the same time, perhaps you’re struggling to find the basic motivation to maintain your daily routine, or fighting the urge to curl up in a ball and retreat.
When we experience these conflicting energies, it can add a layer of guilt on top of the other heavy emotions.
If any of this resonates with your experience, here are 3 things I want you to remember:
(1) Your experience and emotions are valid.
You have the right to feel what you feel.
Might other people have it worse than you? Sure.
AND…
It’s not a contest, in which only the people with the worst suffering get to feel bad.
Whatever other people are experiencing—and however they are responding to their circumstances—does not invalidate your particular situation or your emotions.
Feeling unmotivated to maintain your routine, wanting to curl up in a ball, the impulse to hide in the darkness and go on a Netflix binge … those are all normal. It’s your subconscious seeking protection from the harsh reality of the moment.
The worst thing you can do is shame yourself for feeling upset or lacking motivation because “other people have it worse.” Your experience and emotions are valid, and you deserve to honor them.
We cannot help anyone if we are feeling ashamed of our emotions or invalidating our own experience.
(2) You don’t need to be positive right now.
Our culture has conditioned us to look for the silver lining, to be grateful, and to harness the growth opportunity.
If that comes naturally to you right now, that’s great.
And if it doesn’t, that’s also ok.
A positive outlook can be helpful—in the right time.
But there is no potential for growth without first honoring what is here right now.
Real resilience isn’t about pushing your emotions aside — it’s about allowing yourself to feel them fully.
There is no potential for post-traumatic growth without first honoring what is here right now. We need our moments to wallow in despair and sink to the depths before we can rise from the ashes.
Further Reading: A Reminder For You on Hard Days
(3) It’s not selfish to tend to your needs first.
Your impulse to push aside your own pain in order to help others is understandable:
Many of us have been conditioned to believe that it’s selfish to tend to our own needs first. In tough times we often give short shrift to the practices that sustain us, such as meditation, yoga, workouts, and proper nourishment.
When the world is crashing and burning around us, these rituals can feel like luxuries.
But I have found that in these moments of crisis I must double-down on my self-care practices.
To the contrary, our capacity to hold space for others is limited by how much support we allow ourselves to receive. We cannot sit with others in the darkness of emotions that we have not experienced ourselves, and we cannot hold space for others without first moving through whatever emotions are stuck within us.
Honoring what you need by tending to your own healing is the best way to ensure you can serve others without depleting yourself.
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