This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
Rumi
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
When I ask people what they want in life, what their ultimate goal is, many say they want happiness.
They want to be happy.
They want to have a happy marriage.
They want their kids to be happy.
They want their friends to be happy.
They wants their clients, customers, and colleagues to be happy.
They want everyone in the world to be happy.
Happy. Happy. Happy.
We live in a culture that conditions us on the merits and value of happiness.
Happiness is sold as this state of being that we can and should choose above all else.
With good reason: there is important value in happiness.
Happiness has been shown to be good for your health. It makes us feel less stressed and it can boost our immune system. It can even help us with our decision making and creativity.
The Treadmill of Chasing Happiness
We live on a treadmill of chasing happiness.
The pressure to be happy often causes us to bury our unhappiness. We recite positive affirmations and stifle true emotions. We lie to others — and to ourselves — putting on a “happy face” and feigning happiness even when it’s not there.
As a result of the conditioning to be happy, it’s common to perceive unhappiness and emotions like sadness and anger as “bad”.
We’ve made an implicit social contract to never have a bad day or a moment of sadness.
The problem with treadmills, however, is that they don’t go anywhere.
Likewise, the irony of chasing happiness is that it doesn’t lead to happiness or well-being.
The irony of chasing happiness is that it doesn’t actually lead to happiness or well-being.
In fact, studies show that chasing happiness actually leads away from happiness.
Research shows that people who focus too much on happiness feel less satisfied with their lives, more depressed, and overall feel less happy.
As with any other goal, fixating on happiness only makes it more elusive.
As a recent study concluded, placing a high value on happiness ironically leads to lower well-being.
The high value on happiness is related to a tendency to devalue negative emotions, which is how the pursuit of happiness can become detrimental.
In fact, research has shown that people who favor an outlook focused on hedonic well-being — where happiness depends on personal circumstances — have genetic profiles similar to those who face high levels of adversity.
The Irony of What Keeps Us Stuck
Many clients have told me that they don’t want to allow their less-desired emotions because they fear getting stuck in those places.
It feels “unproductive” to wallow in sadness, grief, or despair.
This all-or-nothing thinking denies the complexity of the human experience: it’s possible to feel multiple conflicting emotions at the same time.
It is possible to feel multiple conflicting emotions at the same time.
Ironically, it’s the denial of those “undesired” emotions that keeps us stuck. When we try to stifle the difficult emotions like sadness, grief, or despair, we don’t learn the valuable skill of how to process them and move through them in healthy ways.
Those heavier emotions, if not processed through, can weigh us down, keeping us stuck in life and holding us back from fulfilling our potential.
Ironically, the path to happiness is found through the portal of the very emotions we often try to push away.
The Gifts We Overlook
Rumi’s poem The Guest House always reminds me of the value of entertaining all of our emotions.
Every emotion is a teacher and a messenger, bearing gifts of insight and wisdom.
When we dismiss or deny our “less desired” emotions, we also deny ourselves the opportunity to receive the gifts that they bring.
Allowing space for heavier emotions doesn’t mean we will get stuck in them, anymore than we can get “stuck” in happiness or joy.
In fact, the path to happiness is found through the portal of the very emotions we often try to push away.
The Magic of Being Human
The magic of being human is that we can experience multiple emotions at the same time.
Every emotion speaks from and to a part of us.
It’s only by honoring all of our parts and all of our emotions that we can step into the fullness of our experience and our potential.
It’s only by honoring all of our parts and all of our emotions that we can step into the fullness of our experience and our potential.
Far from being unproductive, holding space for the full spectrum of our emotional experiences is what helps us accomplish more of the right things, in ways that ultimately enhance our well-being.
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