The Challenge of Working Out in Grief

Grief has turned my world upside down.

This is what it tends to do.

Usually when life turns upside down I find anchoring in my morning routine and rituals. Specifically, my morning workout.

There’s ample evidence that working out can help ease the grieving process, and I believe in the power of consistency.

But lately my workouts have been a source of pain rather than a source of relief.

Lacking Motivation to Workout

Over the past couple of weeks — since my grandma had the stroke that precipitated her death — I’ve been struggling to find my motivation to workout. It feels like a huge chore and it isn’t bringing me joy. I have no interest in pushing myself or hitting new PRs. I hardly want to look at a barbell.

There’s no spark.

For years, movement has been the medicine that has quelled my once-chronic pain and my over-active mind. But these days I tend to feel worse after my workout than at the start.

When grief is fresh, it can make even the simplest tasks feel like a burden. The body often doesn’t respond the way it normally would. When I can’t activate the right muscles or my mind goes into hyper vigilance, I end up sobbing my way through a painful workout.

This can lead to a negative reinforcing cycle: I’m dreading my workouts, then I’m in pain during and after my workouts, so I continue to dread them. Instead of linking workouts to increased productivity and an endorphin boost, I’m starting to link workouts to pain.

It’s a terrible place to be if you want to stay consistent.

The Challenge of Taking My Own Advice

A friend, who is also a fitness trainer and a coach, reminded me of some advice I had given her when she was grieving her father’s death earlier this year.

The tips I offered her were helpful to her, yet I’m struggling to take my own advice now that I’m the one grieving. Even with the best intentions, it’s not always possible to follow every tip perfectly.

Part of the process of navigating grief is determining what works for you on any given day — recognizing that this can change from day to day. That too is part of the process.

3 Tips I’m Struggling to Implement

It helps to normalize that not all tips will work for all people all the time.

Here are 3 of tips I’ve given to others in the past, and how they’re not necessarily working well for me right now.

(1) Redefine Movement

The Theory: A workout doesn’t need to be intense. It can be a simple walk or low-impact activities like gentle yoga or restorative yoga — something that feels more manageable and offers a release without strain.

My Reality: Although yoga and other low impact practices can be good for active recovery days, lately even my yoga practice and walking have been painful for my body and haven’t offered the relief I’ve been seeking.

I also find that low intensity workouts generally don’t work for me in the morning. I need a certain degree of intensity to get the dopamine boost that helps me with focus and pain relief.

(2) Adjust Expectations

The Theory: Accepting that it’s ok to do less can take the pressure off when you’re struggling to get started. Even 5 minutes is better than nothing.

My Reality: For me, five minutes is not realistic. I want to immerse in movement. But I’m struggling to get to the point where I can immerse.

The other day I did a stationary bike for 20 minutes and never got my heart rate out of Zone 1.

I’ve already adjusted my expectations to a degree — I’m not aiming for PRs or pushing myself too hard. In fact, I tried to alter my approach by focusing on corrective exercises at a slower pace. That proved to be a mistake.

Focusing on form and technique triggers my hyper-vigilance, exacerbating the physical pain in my body. It keeps me locked in my head and disconnected from my body.

A better approach for me right now might be to stick to workouts that just keep me moving for an hour through a variety of exercises that target the whole body, without needing to focus on form or technique.

(3) Give Yourself Some Grace

The Theory: Celebrate what you can do on any day, and let go of what you might have wanted to do but couldn’t do. Acknowledge your humanity. Be ok where you are.

My Reality: Some days, giving myself grace feels like a high standard I can’t meet. Even the best of intentions can be weighed down by the burden of a “should.”

And maybe I don’t want to give myself grace. What I want to do is push myself hard and feel like I accomplished something in my workout, and I’m frustrated when my body doesn’t cooperate to facilitate that result.

Maybe this, in itself, is part of grace: admitting how hard it is without trying to sugarcoat it.

The Healing Power in Acknowledging What Is

The pressure to have things be a certain way can add to grief’s burden.

The internet is filled with strategies for how to work through grief and how to workout even in your grief.

Some of them may work for you. Some may not.

The true path to healing might be in simply acknowledging what is happening and allowing our experience exactly as it is.