The thing is not about the thing itself.
Selling a home isn’t really about the home sale.
Buying a home isn’t really about buying a home.
Decluttering your life isn’t really about getting rid of things.
Yoga isn’t really about doing a sequence of specific poses.
Publishing a daily blog isn’t really about writing and publishing.
Selling your work isn’t really about selling. Or your work.
Not hitting snooze in the morning isn’t really about your wake-up routine.
The workout isn’t really about the workout.
All of these are examples of a more general principle that I like to summarize as
The thing is not about the thing.
The Surface Thing
We live in a culture that encourages us to focus on the surface thing.
The surface thing is generally about outer actions and results. The surface thing is usually tangible or measurable.
It’s money, time, daily calls, clients enrolled.
It’s yoga poses, deadlifts, pull-ups, burpees, thrusters.
It’s property, stuff, physical or digital notes, the detritus of your life.
Whatever the surface thing is that you’re focused on, it’s not about that.
Even procrastination, perfectionism, and resistance aren’t really about the thing in front of you.
What It’s Really About
Whatever the surface thing is, the actual thing that it’s about is beneath the surface.
Here’s where it gets tricky: what that thing is really about can vary based on your particular construct and situation.
Examples:
Selling a home, or leaving a job or career, or ending a relationship may really be about your willingness to uproot your life and be in the mystery of the unknown.
Theses events may also be about the need to let go of a vision you once had for how your life would unfold when you first entered that home, job, or relationship. Life doesn’t always play out the way we plan it to. Sometimes we must grieve what never came to be.
Decluttering your life is often about the same themes. Getting rid of those old art supplies isn’t about the art supplies; it’s about coming to terms with the fact that you never quite clicked with that hobby, or the passion for it has run its course.
The yoga pose isn’t about getting into the pose. It’s about how you approach the technique of it, and what happens within you once you are in it.
A workout can be about proving to yourself what you are capable of doing. It could be about expanding your belief about what you thought was possible. Or it might be about expanding your window of tolerance when frustration kicks in.
These aren’t the only options. They are just examples of the principle in action.
Anything we do is only minimally about the thing itself. It’s really about who we are, how we show up in the process of it, and who we become through it.
The Gold is in the Depths
My clients come to me through different “doors.” Some come to me for help with buying or selling a home, others come for yoga, and others come to me for coaching to grow their business, improve their productivity, or be a better parent.
No matter which door they walk through, all eventually express surprise at how much more they receive than what they expected. At some point, they turn to me and share, “I didn’t expect this would get so deep.”
They get the results they wanted, but they also leave feeling like they have been changed in the process.
That’s the point. That’s the purpose.
Anything we do is only minimally about the thing itself. It’s really about who we are, how we show up in the process of it, and who we become through it.
How to Work With This
Any time you’re fixated on a certain action, process, or result, step back, take a breath, and consider this guiding principle.
The thing is not about the thing.
Then ask yourself:
What is this really about for me, right now?
Love it? Hate it? What do you think? Don't hold back...