Receiving feedback on performance is crucial for improvement.

Being open to feedback on how to improve is essential for growth and the hallmark of effective leaders.

And, not all feedback will help you improve.

Some feedback can actually plant seeds of doubt that lead us to distrust ourselves and our process. This type of feedback can lead us to suppress our own needs and sabotage our growth.

When it comes to feedback, the first thing to recognize is the distinction between feedback on your process and feedback on your outcome.

Here I am specifically referring to feedback on your process: how you achieve your outcome.

When it comes to your process, here are 3 types of feedback to ignore.

(1) Feedback in the form of Judgment

Not all feedback is explicit. Feedback doesn’t always come in the form of “here’s how to do it better.”

Some feedback comes in the form of judgments. These judgments may be disguised as questions or subtle comments and observations about your process.

This is an insidious form of feedback that can plant seeds of doubt within you.

The way I work does not look like the way most people work.

I rarely do my best work while sitting at a desk or when using my laptop.

I move around a lot. I need physical activity throughout the day. I like to sit on the floor. I pace and putter while talking to people, or sometimes when I’m in the middle of working through an idea.

Most of my writing is done while walking around or sitting on the floor.

It doesn’t look like what most people think “work” looks like.

Since the start of the pandemic, I’ve lived with my parents. They consistently express judgments on my process in the form of questions or subtle comments that imply I’m not “working”.

You spend a lot of time in the gym.

Why do you need so many spaces?

Why are you on the floor?

I’m learning to see these questions and comments for what they are and to let these judgments go.

(2) Corrections from people who don’t have the necessary experience or expertise in what you need.

Years ago, I hired a professional organizer to help me declutter my apartment.

I had a stack of gifts on my sideboard that I had bought for friends’ new babies.

The organizer helped me clear out the inside of the cabinet and create space for that stuff inside. She told me that it was better to not leave stuff piled up on the cabinet.

In theory, she is right. It’s a solution that works for most people.

It was not the right solution for me. With those gifts out of sight, I forgot about them and never sent them. Years later when I cleared out my apartment before selling it, they went into the trash. (Sorry, friends!)

This organizer had expertise, but did not have much experience in working with clients who have ADHD. At the time, I was fairly new to my diagnosis and still believed I could rely on the same solutions as neuro-typical people.

That experience taught me that the same “proven systems” that work for others may not work for me.

And it also taught me that just because someone is an “expert” doesn’t mean they are an expert in what works for me.

To be clear: I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be open to new ways of doing things. Recognize when the feedback is coming from someone who doesn’t understand your needs or limitations.

(3) People who think there’s only one correct way to do something.

Some people believe that their way is the right way. The only way.

Many people believe that the only sign that someone is listening to you is that they “look you in the eye.”

This is not the way listening works for many people — especially those of us who are neurodivergent.

When listening to people speak, I often need to move my body and especially keep my hands busy. Sometimes I do this by taking notes. Other times I need to be engaged with something that occupies other parts of my brain so I can free up my listening capacity.

It might be folding laundry or cleaning a room, or filing my nails.

It doesn’t necessarily look like I’m listening, but in fact I’m listening more intently when I’m partially occupied than I am when I’m looking someone in the eye.

When I try to focus too hard on a person while they are speaking, I can put myself in trance and actually not hear what they are saying.

Recognizing that my way of listening deeply is equally as effective has helped me let go of the belief that I should be doing it a different way.