11 Reasons Why You Don’t Ask for Support

Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed by your to-do list or going through a rough time, how good are you at asking for support?

Many people resist asking for support, even when people are waiting to offer it. And when people do offer it, how good are you at receiving it?

Here are 11 reasons why you might resist asking for or receiving support.

11 Reasons Why You Don’t Ask For Support

(1) Asking for help exposes weaknesses.

We live in a culture that places a premium value on highlighting our strengths. Speaking up about a place where we need support might feel like it’s exposing a weakness.

(2) Asking for help forces us to confront our own shortcomings.

What’s worse than exposing our weaknesses to others? Acknowledging them to ourselves.

(3) Acknowledging the problem makes it real.

It’s easy to sweep something under the rug and forget it’s there. That can work for a while, until it doesn’t work anymore. Asking for help forces us to face the problem head-on and makes it real.

(4) Fear of being judged.

Our fears that others will judge us harshly for our weaknesses, even as they are helping, can prevent us from seeking help. We fear being defined by our shortcomings.

(5) Uncertainty that we will get the “right” help or that the help will make things worse.

Do you seek control in all things? If so, this one might be your reason. People are always willing to help. But not everyone can help in the same way.

Sometimes people’s best intentions and efforts only serve to make things worse. They make a mess.

It feels easier to just do it on your own so you can control every aspect of it.

(6) Belief that you need to “do it on your own” for it to “count.”

Hello achievers, I’m talking to you. Achievement-oriented people often believe that the value of the achievement is diminished if you had help in reaching it. Your ego wants to claim that you did it on your own.

(7) Uncertainty around what kind of support you need.

Sometimes, we don’t know how others can help, so we hold off asking for help until we can determine what we need. You think you’ll be better suited to request support when you “figure out” what kind of support you need.

This approach puts you in the position of trying to solve the problem before you ask for help. The truth is, you may not know what kind of support you need until someone starts helping you.

(8) We are waiting for people to offer help without our having to ask.

A friend recently told me that she tends to withdraw from social life when she is struggling, with the thought “I’ll resurface after I resolve my problems.” Then she gets sad when friends don’t reach out to check on her.

In an ideal world, we would all check in on our friends when we didn’t see them or hear from them in a while. We would make a practice out of reaching out to people to ask, “what’s going on in your life right now, and how can I support you?” But people are in their own worlds. They might not realize you haven’t been around.

(9) We don’t want to burden people.

Perhaps, like me, you were raised with a belief that asking others for help is an imposition. If you’re someone who’s in a helping profession, you know the joy and rewards of helping others. But in not asking, are you denying people the opportunity to help you?

(10) We assume people do not have the skills and ability to help us.

You might not see the capacity that others have because you’re looking at them from the outside. Perhaps you see others who appear to be struggling, not realizing that their experience offers a vast well of resources to help you.

(11) You believe you’re incapable of change and don’t want to waste peoples’ efforts.

The old “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse. You don’t want to waste someone’s time, energy, and expertise if you’re incapable of moving through the problem. Maybe you’ve received support in the past and it hasn’t helped.

The thing is: maybe you haven’t received the right support. Everyone is capable of change and progress when they are receiving helpful support. Perhaps you just need to keep asking.

Just Ask

Many of these obstacles are rooted in fears. The only way to overcome a fear is to just do the thing that makes you afraid. So, it’s time to summon the courage, pick up the phone, type the email, and ask.

Are you with me?