One of the most important reasons to belong to communities is that the best learning comes through other people.
Other people are our most important teachers, even if we don’t know them personally. Beyond what they might teach us about a given subject matter, other people teach us about ourselves.
Sometimes they might teach us about ourselves through conversation in which they reflect back to us what we articulate.
Oher people can teach us a lot about ourselves even if we never speak a word to them — even if we don’t really know them at all.
The Most Important Thing We Learn From Other People
There are people in my daily orbit who often trigger in me feelings of inadequacy.
I might be feeling confident and empowered when I see them. Then, suddenly, my energy changes. In an instant, my heart sinks. My belly tightens. Sometimes my posture closes off, as I retreat inward, mirroring the feeling I have of being small and diminished in their presence. I might feel jealous. My confidence evaporates.
And yet, at the same time, I often want to pull closer to these people. I want to become their friend, to get to know them better. They have something that I want.
Other people in my orbit trigger in me feelings of annoyance.
When I see them or they initiate conversation, I notice how I can quickly go from feeling open and loving to closed off and combative. Sometimes I feel resentment or disdain. It’s like their very presence is an intrusion into my idealistic world.
When I think about these people, it is often through the lens of “that is exactly how I do not want to be.”
In both of these cases, I don’t need to exchange words with these people. They might not even know me, and I might not know them. It’s their presence that triggers these reactions in me.
But here’s the truth: the way we react or respond to other people has nothing to do with them.
Everyone is a Mirror
Everyone is a mirror that reflects to us the things we can’t see in ourselves.
Even if we don’t know them personally, even if we see them on social media or the news, or just read about them.
What we see in other people that attracts or repulses us reflects a part of ourselves that we aren’t seeing or that we have suppressed.
The qualities that we perceive in other people, or the behaviors they exhibit, that cause us to feel attracted, repulsed, diminished, or superior, exist within us.
As the saying goes: You spot it, you got it.
Carl Jung referred to this as The Shadow, and it is what controls much of our unconscious behavior and reactions.
In this regard, other people can be our best teachers — if we are willing to do the work.
Venus Conjunct Pluto: Using Relationships as the Seed for Transformation
On the heels of its ingress to Aquarius, Venus forms a conjunction with Pluto, the planet of transformation, hidden power dynamics, and shadow.
Venus/Pluto conjunctions can bring to the surface extreme attraction or repulsion. This can be a signature of magnetism, attracting people to you for your amazing qualities.
On the other hand, astrologer Austin Coppock cautions that this can be a signature of “stalker vibes,” as in “you love me, but you just don’t know it yet.”
We can also use this aspect to help us see the ways that our relationships reveal to us what we hide in shadow.
If we are willing to do the uncomfortable work of looking at our relationships and ourselves through this lens, we can reclaim a piece of ourselves and the power that we’re giving away.
3 Steps to Self Discovery Through Relationships
Here are 3 steps to get started in using relationships as the seed for personal transformation.
Step 1: Notice your reaction to other people
You won’t have a profound reaction to every person you encounter. Notice where you feel particularly attracted to or repulsed by others. Pay particular attention to your somatic experience: feelings of contraction or tightening in your body, changes in your breathing, urges to run toward or away from someone.
Our somatic experience often reveals what’s really going on.
Step 2: Dig Deeper
When you notice an intense attraction or repulsion, or any intense feelings, it’s crucial to ask WHY. The key is to get to the qualities or behaviors that are causing you to have this reaction.
Here are some prompts:
- What about that person causes me to have these intense feelings?
- Why I do dislike this person?
- Why am I so attracted to this person?
- What specific qualities do I perceive in this person, or what behaviors do they exhibit, that make me feel less than or diminished?
- What specific qualities or behaviors make me feel disdain or disgust?
Step 3: Look Within
Once you’ve identified the qualities or behaviors that attract or repulse you, examine where you exhibit these behaviors and qualities.
When I identify qualities in a person who makes me feel small, I look for where I do exhibit those qualities — and why I don’t embrace them more fully.
When I identify the behaviors in people that annoy me or make me feel resentful, I look at where I exhibit those qualities and behaviors, and why I do so.
Recognizing these parts of ourselves opens the door for us to integrate them, so they are no longer in shadow.
This work is some of the hardest work we can do, but it plants the seeds for lasting transformation.
Love it? Hate it? What do you think? Don't hold back...