Do your duty, but don’t concern yourself with the results. —
Bhagavad Gita
At the start of 2023, my weightlifting coach told me I would be able to deadlift 250 on a hex bar by February of that year.
I worked diligently. I did my exercises. On many days, I showed up, primed, confident, and eager to attack the bar.
Even though I put up some big numbers in 2023, I have yet to lift even 225 on hex bar.
Even worse, each time I attempted a heavy day and I failed to hit the mark I wanted, I felt deflated and dejected — even on days when I reached other big milestones. Each failure to hit that mark left feeling like the effort I was putting in wasn’t “worth it.”
Instead of my efforts brining me closer to my goal, the setbacks seemed to send it further away.
That’s not to say I didn’t reach any goals. I notched some big milestones on my hex bar deadlifts, barbell deadlifts and other lifts.
Many of them were surprises — numbers I didn’t even think to have as goals.
As I reflected back, I realized that the days when I hit big milestones were when I showed up without any expectations. Sometimes those moments came on days when I didn’t even “feel like” training. I still showed up and put in effort, but I didn’t feel as invested in the outcome.
And perhaps because I wasn’t as attached to the outcome, I got better results.
This was one of my biggest lessons from 2023, and not for the first time. It’s a lesson I have learned in the past and continue to relearn.
The Downside of Desire
As coach Kristi Hedges wrote in Forbes Magazine,
When we want something so much, we hold tight to it, and that limits our range of motion. On the other hand, when we can let go of a particular outcome, it can free us up to be open and to create even more opportunity for ourselves. We show up differently, with more confidence and agility.
Although she wasn’t writing about weightlifting specifically, this is the exact situation that happened with my deadlifts.
As always the deadlifts are just a metaphor.
This is a pattern that seems to apply to full spectrum of the human condition, whether in business, in life events, in relationships, or elsewhere.
Whether it’s the literal weight on the bar or the metaphorical weight of the whatever we’re trying to do, the more we are attached to the outcome, the heavier the weight feels, and the harder it is to do the lift.
I’ve seen this in clients, whether it’s a business result, a result they want for their kids, a life goal, or even just a desire for how a spouse or friend will show up for them in life.
The more we chase after something, the more elusive it becomes.
The Trap of Attachment
When we crave or expect certain results, and our results don’t measure up to expectations, at best we feel disappointment.
More often we experience frustration, anger, and disillusionment. It’s common to fall into the trap of blame and shame. We might go down the path of victimhood, projecting our frustration and anger on others.
It doesn’t end there.
Failure to meet expectations strengthens the inner critic and inner perfectionist, empowering these parts of us to hold us back from taking action at the next opportunity.
After all, they say, if your efforts didn’t work before, why would they work now?
This leads to self-sabotage.
The inner critic and inner perfectionist are trying to keep us safe from rejection, disappointment and failure.
These mindsets are muscles. They are neural pathways that get strengthened through repetition.
Anything in life that is worth achieving usually takes a significant amount of time.
Even if our desired results are realistic and achievable, results often take longer than we think they will.
It might be possible that you have to try different ways to get there. But it’s also true that often what’s most needed is time, persistence, and patience.
Attachment to a specific outcome can lead us to abandon the process before the process has had a chance to work.
How Detaching From Outcome Can Lead to Better Results
Detaching from outcome is the best way to keep yourself in the game for the time it takes to see results.
When you show up every day and put in the work, regardless of outcome, there’s no room for disappointment and frustration. Your focus remains on execution.
When you are unconcerned about the results, you can focus entirely on your efforts.
That keeps you in the game. It keeps you strengthening the muscle of taking action.
It also opens us to the possibility of achieving different results than what we might have originally expected — possibly even better results.
Reinforcing the action and effort over the result is what ultimately builds confidence.
The truth is that results are based on many factors, and most of them are beyond our control. All we can control is our efforts and how we show up.
Use the Goal to Set the Action
None of this is to say that you shouldn’t have an outcome in mind when you begin a process. The big vision or goal can be a helpful driving force to send you on the path.
Instead of attaching to an outcome, use that outcome or goal as a target. Think of the outcome as the context that you can use to define the actions that you’re going to take daily to reach the destination.
If you want to get strong, you have to show up and lift weights.
If you want to write a book, you need a daily writing practice.
If you want to grow a business you must do outreach and sell your opportunities.
Once you set the actions you will take, it’s time to let go of the attachment of the outcome they are aiming towards. Trust that the process will take you where you want to go or somewhere better.
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