Why Are You Stopping Yourself?

In October 2022, in an early session with my new physical therapist/trainer, I struggled with a deadlift that I thought was beyond my capability.

I wanted to attribute it to a lack of confidence in technique.

Although my coach acknowledged this as a valid possibility, he didn’t let me hide behind that excuse. He called me out:

Sometimes, you’re just stopping yourself.

He hit on a pattern that applied beyond the context of the gym.

In that moment, I knew that he saw me beyond the the work we were doing together would be informative and illuminating not just for me, but for others.

My Well of Unpublished Video Content

Since October, I have created over 100 short video reels to share on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube.

Most of them are from our sessions; many others are from my independent training or from my CrossFit classes.

These videos are not “fitness porn” — the softly-lit exercise demos that show up in your feeds to give you inspiration for exercises that you will never actually do.

They are real life.

Over the past seven months, I’ve shared some of these clips to my Instagram stories. People have told me that they enjoy following this journey.

I have the highest level of confidence that this content is both educational and entertaining. In fact, I often rewatch the clips that are sitting on my phone.

And it would be — if I actually shared it on my social media feeds.

Since October 2022, I’ve posted only two of the reels to my actual feed.

Two out of over 100.

That doesn’t include the hundreds of videos from which I can create more reels.

The natural question is: why am I stopping myself?

My Intention and Purpose

One of the first steps for me in examining this is to get clear on my intention and purpose in creating and sharing these videos.

My purpose in creating sharing these videos is multi-faceted.

I seek to:

Inspire other women who may have stories about why they “can’t lift,” by showing my progress in lifting heavier and gaining mobility and stability.
Illuminate the challenges that come with having a nervous system that is highly-attuned and hyper-vigilant, and how this impacts physical coordination and movement.
Educate on form and technique and the causes of injury and compensation patterns. There’s a lot to learn even when I don’t execute perfectly, and the conversations we have in the process offer great insight into movement issues that affect many people.
Reveal the real-life process of building strength, in contrast to the glossy “before-and-after” images that dominate social media. Beyond my sessions with my coach are the hours I spend doing drills on my own, which offer a glimpse of what it’s really like.
Entertain with the often-funny banter that occurs between us, as well as the natural comedy that comes out in our sessions.

It’s not always pretty, and almost never as glamorous as portrayed in the glossy before-and-after videos I’ve seen online.

I often show up with resistance. Sometimes the banter between my coach and me is funny, and sometimes I cringe when I watch myself back and listen to my tone of voice. When training on my own, I often make ugly faces and collapse in pain.

This, too, is important to share. It’s a side of real life that doesn’t get shown often on social media but that comes up often in coaching and other client work.

The Metaphor

In addition, the videos are often helpful metaphors to depict concepts that apply beyond the realm of fitness and weightlifting.

As I say often: it’s not about the deadlifts. The patterns that show up in my training are patterns that show up both in my personal inner work and in the work I do with my clients.

Seeing a concept in action can be extremely helpful.

Case in point: I’m still in the pattern my coach called me out on all those months ago.

I’m stopping myself.

When “Why” Is the Wrong Question

I’ve given plenty of energy to explore the question of “why am I stopping myself” in depth. I’ve gone through all the fears that I can make conscious.

Sometimes, the best way to get to a resolution is to change the question.

How am I stopping myself?

I am stopping myself by overthinking.

I overthink what I want to write about these videos, about the message I want to convey. About how they might be received. About the strategic plan in posting them. About what people might think of me if I share them. I wonder whether they’ll be confused about how I serve clients, whether they will think I’m trying to build a new business as a personal trainer.

Overthinking is the death of creativity. It can cause literal paralysis.

Breaking the Pattern

The videos are unlike any others I’ve seen in this space. They are funny. They are entertaining. They are educational. And they are real.

They offer value on many levels.

And they deserve to be seen by an audience beyond myself, my coach, and the few friends I’ve shared them with.

I have deja vu to October 2017, when I looked at all the essays I had written but hadn’t published to the blog. The same inner voice reemerges in my head:

This is great stuff, but the work you’ve created serves nobody unless you share it in public.

I can’t control what people will take from them, and what meaning they will give it.

My role here is to do my work, to show up, and to share.

Sometimes you don’t need an answer to “why.” Once you see the pattern, you have the power to break it.

As my coach reminds me when I’m doing deadlifts:

Take the thinking out of it. No thought process. Just go.