How to Find Belonging

The Longing to Belong

Loneliness has been a growing epidemic in our world, exacerbated by the global pandemic that forced us into isolation.

The “longing to belong” is a basic human need that is inextricably linked to the survival instinct. We evolved to survive as tribes.

In ancient times, sending a person to exile was a form of punishment equivalent to death.

Nobody can survive, let alone thrive, on their own. For better or worse, we are a collective species. We need communities.

The Paths We Take to Find Belonging

Each of us seeks to fill the void of loneliness — and to find belonging — in various ways. Some of these “vehicles” are culturally sanctioned as “productive” so we may not even think much about them.

Some people seek belonging through contribution: giving money, time, resources to others as a way to “buy” admission to groups and social classes where they aspire to belong.

Others seek it through what they create, make, or build. They attempt to find acceptance through their achievements.

Others seek belonging through amassing multitudes of followers, fans, and audience members. They build communities with themselves at the center, making themselves the linchpin of the tribe they cultivate.

This path has seen exponential growth since the advent of social media, but it is a method that dates as far back as the earliest humans. It’s the path of the influencer, the guru, and the “expert.”

Why These Paths to Belonging Are Doomed to Fail

Any of these paths may seem to work on the surface, but without more, that’s where it ends.

There are many people in this world have achieved fame, success, legions of fans, more money than they could give away, and yet still found themselves feeling isolated and lonely.

Some people even name this loneliness and isolation as the price of success.

You need look no further than the slate of suicides by famous and well-loved people to see that money and fame can’t fill that hole.

Money and accomplishments can buy you admission into clubs, groups, and social classes. It can afford you a staff to serve your every need, but it cannot buy you acceptance and belonging.

How, then, do we cultivate the belonging that we long for?

This is where the lesson of yesterday’s full moon in Leo comes in.

The Tension Between Self-Expression and Community

Yesterday’s full moon in Leo spotlighted the Fifth/Eleventh House axis of the astrological wheel. The Astrological House system is the most elegant system I’ve found for understanding how the various areas of life relate to each other.

The Fifth House, associated with the fire sign of Leo, is typically associated with creativity, play, pleasure, children, and our creative self-expression. Leo is known for the qualities of courage, and bravery. The archetypal Leo seeks the spotlight and loves to be center stage.

In the Fifth House, we look at our creative process and self-expression, how we find pleasure, how we meet our needs for attention, and how we allow ourselves to be seen.

The Eleventh House is associated with the air sign of Aquarius, a sign that’s about our collective experience. The Eleventh House is the house of groups, friends, community, and associations. It asks us to consider how we cultivate community and contribute to the collective.

In the Fifth House, we are the main character in the story of our lives. In the Eleventh House, we are part of the supporting cast.

The Fifth/Eleventh House axis can feel like a battle of me vs we.

But there’s a deeper lesson offered here that relates to how we find or create belonging and community.

Belonging Is An Inside Job

The illumination of the Fifth/Eleventh House axis shows us that belonging begins as an inside job.

In the Fifth House, we learn to embrace all parts of ourselves — even the parts that may have been rejected by our families of origin and our lineages (which we explore in the fourth house).

Once we’ve cultivated our creativity and found acceptance and belonging within, we know what we have to contribute to the collective.

Without taking ownership of our creative talents and processes, without full acceptance of who we are and what we bring to the world — we won’t find belonging in community.

In fact, without this foundation of self-acceptance we may chase belonging in groups where we don’t truly fit in, out of a desire for a certain type of perceived status.

To Be Seen, First See Yourself

All humans have a need to feel seen, to feel like we matter, like our lives mean something outside of ourselves.

But to be seen by others in community, to be visible in the world, to be recognized for our contributions and achievements, we must start with seeing ourselves.

Doing the work of the Fifth House helps us develop the courage to accept all parts of ourselves and own our creative contributions. When we know and accept who we are have developed our creative expression, we can come to community with confidence in what we offer the collective.

The Courage to Unmask in Private

This is not a switch we can flip in one day. It takes years of slow and steady inner work to peel back the layers of protection we have built up around ourselves, to fully see all of our parts, and learn to integrate and accept them all.

We need to build the courage to unmask in private before we can be seen in public.

As we come into this acceptance, we slowly build an inner feeling of belonging

Ironically, it’s only by building this inner feeling of belonging — one that is not dependent on the outside community — that we can find belonging within a community.