How to Weaken Shame

Recently, I received a newsletter from a “friend” I know only superficially through a community.

She shared a story about falling for the “instant success” marketing messages — more than once. And how she was shamed by coaches and mentors who told her that her failure to get the promised results were her fault.

She wondered how she could have fallen for this multiple times.

She mused about the hard path of staying in integrity.

Her story resonated deeply with me — I could have written the newsletter.

I’ve been in that place numerous times where I enrolled with a coach or in a program and was blamed and shamed for not getting results because of my problems.

You must not want it enough.

You’re not trying hard enough.

Even though I have committed to a path of integrity and I have found mentors and coaches who don’t make those flashy promises, who in fact illuminate the long road and hard work and the false marketing, I still have moments where I fall victim to believing that the latest flashy tactic will work, or that there’s something wrong with me because it has taken me much longer to build my business.

I responded to her email to thank her for sharing, and to share how her experiences have mirrored my own.

She responded

It’s nice to know I’m not alone – funny how shame can compound with wondering, how could I have fallen for that….

The Trick of Shame

This is the trick of shame:

it lures us into staying silent because that is how it thrives.

Shame is like a virus. But unlike most viruses, which spread when we go out into the world and make contact, shame’s survival depends on our staying quiet, hidden, and isolated.

Shame thrives in the darkness, in secrets and silence.

When we hide in shame, and from shame, we isolate ourselves and embed our loneliness. And then we experience the shame of isolation and the shame of loneliness on top of the original shame.

Soon enough, we are paralyzed under layers of shame.

This is one of the core wounds of the pandemic. Quarantine and isolation are breeding grounds for shame spirals.

The very things that cause most viruses to spread — exposure, contact, intimacy with others — kill shame. They stop it’s evolution.

How Healing Happens

Healing begins when we dare to speak our shame aloud and allow ourselves to be witnessed.

This can only happen in community, in a collective where there is safety, empathy, compassion, and acceptance.

Each time I have dared to speak aloud my own shame, inevitably it opens the door for someone else to put words to their experience and to see they they are not alone.

In seeing how speaking out can help others, I weaken shame’s paralyzing hold.

We are not meant to do it alone.