In a world of constant distractions, presence can be hard to come by.
This can be especially frustrating when engaging in conversations. Everyone wants to feel heard, and it can be infuriating to speak with people and feel like they’re not even paying attention.
How do you know when someone is truly listening?
We tend to be guided by cultural norms that tells us what it “looks” like when someone is paying attention. But those norms aren’t always accurate.
Appearances can be deceiving — on both ends of the spectrum.
It might seem like someone is very attentive when really they are off in another world. On the flip side, someone may appear to be distracted even when they are listening intently.
People with ADHD often get criticized for our behaviors when we’re listening to others — whether in a conversation or in the classroom. Even worse, we have long been forced to modify our behavior in ways that makes paying attention even more challenging for us.
Here are three behaviors that people with ADHD often engage in while listening that look like distraction, but are really just a different way of paying attention.
(1) Avoiding Eye Contact
Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you.
I lost count of how many times I heard this when growing up.
There’s often an expectation that to engage in active listening we must look someone in the eye.
Here’s the truth: being fully present doesn’t mean that you need to look the other person in the eye. In fact, just because someone is maintaining direct eye contact doesn’t mean they are actively listening and engaged. They may have mastered the appearance of eye contact while simultaneously dissociating, giving the appearance of listening while they’re off in some other world in their minds. They’re making eye contact, but they’ve tuned out.
Why People with ADHD Avoid Eye Contact
Many people — not only those of us with ADHD — find direct eye contact threatening. This is especially true of children, who generally will open up more when they’re not looking you in the eye.
One of the biggest challenges for people with ADHD is sensory overload. Think about what happens if you try to plug too many devices into one power source: the power will short-circuit.
This is effectively what happens in the ADHD brain. Our brains lack the filter to prioritize sensory inputs, which overwhelms our circuitry, causing us to shut down. Eye contact can be a source of distraction for people with ADHD because it provides visual input from the speaker’s face and surroundings. This creates a dilemma for our brains, which doesn’t know which input to prioritize.
In addition, the act of maintaining eye contact creates mental fatigue that limits the cognitive bandwidth available for receiving the message. The result: a total system shut-down.
How Averting Direct Eye Contact Aids Listening:
Averting direct eye contact helps people with ADHD minimize distractions and avoid sensory overload, helping us focus on the conversation itself.
I also creates a sense of internal safety that allows us to listen better and helps us open up more authentically.
Bonus tip: The best place to talk to your kids is in the car, while driving them to and from activities. The car creates an environment in which you can’t maintain eye contact, and you’re also focused on the road. That creates a sense of safety for kids that encourages them to open up.
(2) Repetitive Behavior With Hands
Arrête de jouer avec tes cheveux.
The words of my high school French teacher still echo in my mind.
Sophomore year was when I discovered the dopamine spike I’d get from pulling apart my split ends.
Of course, I didn’t know then that it was dopamine. I just knew that searching my hair for split ends and pulling the ends apart helped me better pay attention to what was happening — even though it looked the opposite.
Many of us with ADHD can often listen more intently when they can engage their hands in a repetitive task that involves no thought.
For many with ADHD that might be a Body Focused Repetitive Behavior — such as splitting ends, picking nails, or picking skin.
But it might also be something more innocuous, like doodling, washing dishes, or folding laundry.
This isn’t something we “grow out of.” In my early career as a lawyer, I worked with a senior partner who would consolidate the contents of all her travel shampoo bottles while we were on conference calls with clients. (This was in the pre-Zoom era.) She never missed a beat in the conversation.
How Repetitive Motions Aid Listening:
These types of repetitive actions are a form of self-soothing. They provide sensory input to the brain, which can help manage feelings of restlessness and maintain focus.
They also aid cognitive processing and keep us alert, enhancing attention and engagement in situations that might otherwise lead to overwhelm or boredom.
(3) Fidgeting or Moving the Body
Stand still and listen while I’m talking to you.
If tend to the hyperactive presentation of ADHD, you probably heard this a lot growing up. Maybe you still hear it.
The presumption that people can’t move their body and listen at the same time contradicts basic human experience even for neurotypical people.
Think about how many people listen to music or podcasts while walking, running, or working out.
Movement is one of the body’s natural impulses; it’s a way we release trapped energy, connect with our deeper body intelligence, and process information. In fact, the best way to remember something is to encode it physically.
To fully learn and process information, we must take it in on 4 levels: cognitive, emotional, somatic, and spiritual. When you force someone to sit still and listen, you cut off access to 3 of the 4 levels.
How Movement Aids Listening:
Fidgeting and physical movement provides an outlet for excess energy. Movement increases blood circulation; this facilitates oxygen delivery to the brain, which boosts alertness and cognitive functions.
Research also suggests that fidgeting can help people with ADHD concentrate better by providing a form of sensory input that keeps them alert. Movement can prevent feelings of lethargy that arise especially when something isn’t so stimulating.
Movement also increases the release of dopamine and norepinepherine in the brain; these neurotransmitters are crucial for focus, attention, and alertness.
Reminder: There’s Not a Standard Way to Listen
Just because someone isn’t acting in the way that aligns with your expectations of what an engaged and active listener should look like doesn’t mean they aren’t listening.
Instead of forcing your kid, spouse, friend, or colleague to adopt behavior you think is “appropriate,” consider that what they’re doing may in fact be helping them to listen more attentively.
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