I Don’t Want to Write Today

I didn’t want to write today. What happened next is the height of irony.

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I don’t want to write a blog post today. But I committed to publishing a daily blog, and I want to publish something to keep my streak going.

I have plenty of topics I could write about but I don’t have energy to think about them or even write them

This is where emotional dissonance rears its head

I just don’t want to think. And even if I have something pre-written (and I have lots of stuff I’ve written) it’s hard for me to publish it when I’m not in the mood.

Often when I feel like this I write about the importance of rest, but how many times can I write about that?

This is the kind of situation where someone without ADHD would say just sit down and write.

And sure, I could just write something. Like I’m doing this moment.

I can write this. About how I don’t want to write.

There is value in pushing yourself to show up even when you don’t feel like it.

I do it with my workouts.

But there’s something that feels different when it’s public-facing.

My workouts are just for me. Nobody cares if I have a bad workout. Or if I half-ass it.

But publishing a blog and writing a newsletter are different. This is for my community. It’s for you. I want it to have value.

So right there is the problem: I’m attached to an outcome for my writing.

I can write this stream of consciousness about how I don’t want to write. And if it’s just for me, then it’s fine. Who cares?

But when it’s not just for me, when it’s for other people to read, when I’m attached to the outcome of providing value, then it becomes a different thing.

It’s not just writing. It’s capital-W Writing.

It goes from the bucket of exploring my creativity and self-expression to work.

The irony … right now I am writing.

I am writing about how I don’t want to Write.

It’s like walking to the gym. You’re already moving just by getting out the door.

So as I said, there’s value in training yourself to show up even when you don’t feel like it.

But when you force yourself, how does that feel? And does it help you do it again tomorrow?

Often, for people with ADHD, it does not.

Maybe what I really need is time away from my blog. Time not to write or publish. Days when I don’t think about it at all.

That doesn’t seem viable to me because my ADHD brain needs the consistency of routine. This explains why I can publish a daily blog but I struggle to send a weekly newsletter.

So here we are:

I don’t want to write. I don’t want to publish. I don’t want to think about my many ideas. I don’t want to make decisions.

I can hardly even think about what I want to eat for dinner, and I haven’t eaten all day.

I’m out of executive function bandwidth.

My brain wants a day off.

It wants to dissociate and daydream and listen to intuition.

It wants to submerge in a Netflix show.

So here we are.

The irony of writing about not wanting to write today.

I hope you find this useful, even if it just normalizes your own experience.