Comparison is the thief of joy.
How many times have you heard this?
I was reading a post on a Reddit thread about Crossfit. The original poster (OP) wrote that they had been doing CrossFit for 6 months. They had just completed the second workout in the CrossFit Open, and lamented that most people at their gym did better than their result. They asked for advice about how to deal with the disappointment.
As someone who seems to have a permanent spot on the bottom of my gym’s leaderboard, this is a disappointment I know well.
When you show up every day, do your best, and still can’t seem to catch up, it can feel defeating — the exact opposite feeling you want from a workout.
Who wants to leave the gym feeling like they failed to make strides?
The thread was filled with supportive and encouraging responses, which is something I’ve realized is part of the CrossFit community.
As often happens in this situation, there were many reminders that “comparison is the thief of joy.”
This advice is well-meaning, but it misses the mark.
Comparison is Not the Problem
Comparison is a natural human behavior. From the time we are born, we learn how to compare things as a way of orienting ourselves.
This situation is not like that situation.
This person is not like that person.
This food is not like that food.
This shape is not like that shape.
It’s through comparison that we assess where we are in the world, in the social order, and even in our capacity relative to what might be possible.
In the context of CrossFit, for example, you wouldn’t know what’s possible if you didn’t compare yourself to what other people do.
In fact, that’s one of the benefits of doing fitness in community. If you don’t see people scoring better than you, you might not even know what scores are possible on a workout.
The Problem is What Comes After Comparison
Consider some of the ways in which we use comparison in our daily experience, such as those listed above.
We use comparison to assess what something is and how it might be different.
For example, when we determine that an apple is not an orange, we are making a comparison.
What we don’t do is judge the thing we are comparing.
We recognize that an apple is different from an orange, but we don’t judge the apple as being deficient because it is not an orange.
Somehow, that perspective gets lost when we compare ourselves to others — or even to past versions of ourselves.
The problem with comparison is not the comparison, but the judgment that we bring to it.
The judgment infuses the comparison with the virus of “not good enough” and the shame that often flows from that.
What the Judgment Looks Like
Whenever I despair that I’m always at the bottom of the leaderboard, I notice that I’m judging myself as incompetent and incapable.
I have thoughts such as
I’ll never make progress in my fitness, so what’s the point of doing it at all?
That leads me to think I’m just wasting my time.
These thoughts can lead to feelings of shame.
From there, it can devolve into a quick downward spiral that can take over my day with defeatism and despair.
The Positive Side of Comparison
On the other hand, if I stay out of judgment, I can use the comparison to constructive ends.
I might look at the people who are at the top of the leaderboard and see what they are doing differently.
I can ask them for support or tips.
I can learn about their journeys and take inspiration from how far they’ve come, which reminds me that I, too, can progress.
And I can use what I learn from them to inform my goals and strategy for making progress.
None of this can happen when I’m judging myself for being deficient or “not good enough.”
Nor can it happen when I’m in shame, because shame kills all movement forward.
The Healthy Balance: Comparison Without Judgment
What we want to aim for is to gather the relevant information without judging or shaming ourselves.
We can see room to improve while also recognizing that we are enough as we are.
It’s not comparison that is the thief of joy. It’s judgment that is the thief of joy.
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