The Secret to Supporting Others Without Draining Your Energy

We are conditioned to believe that supporting others must come at the expense of our needs or our goals.

The Myth of Self vs Other

The narrative that service to self must exist in tension with service to others is implicitly reinforced even in the realm of wellness.

When we talk about filling ourselves up so that we can serve others, or creating boundaries to protect our self-care time, we buy into the notion that self-focus and focus on others are a binary:

Either/or.

One then the other.

But not both at once.

The boundaries we need to set to preserve our time and space for self-care and our own work keep out distractions, but they also keep out the connection, collaboration, and community we desperately need.

Ironically, the effort it can take to keep distraction at bay can also drain our energy. It creates nervous-system fatigue.

What if it doesn’t have to work that way?

Shattering the Myth of Selfish vs Service

What if we can have both at once:

• The ability to be focused on our needs while also being attuned to the needs of others.
• The capacity to offer support to others without it detracting from our attention to our tasks and goals.
• The strength to hold space without it draining our energy.

I’ve discovered that this is possible — when we are in a state of flow.

I have noticed that when I am I in a true state of flow I am able to extend beyond myself to support others without that support detracting from my focus on my goals or draining my energy.

This came to light during a recent CrossFit workout.

Case Study: Expanded Capacity in Flow

The workout was 5 rounds of:

• 200 Meter run
• 8 hanging knees-to-chest
• 60 jump rope singles

This was a workout that, for me, met many of the elements for creating a flow state. And on this day, I was in it: dialed-in, connected, feeling challenged yet capable, focused, and aware. My runs were at a steady pace. I was knocking out my knees-to-chest. Crucially, I was in a good rhythm on my jump rope.

In the final two rounds, I was already on the treadmill as on of my class friends — who is typically much faster than I am — got on the treadmill next to me. Without looking directly at her, I sensed that she was struggling a bit, running out of steam.

Without breaking my stride, I offered her some words of encouragement.

After class, my friend thanked me for the encouragement, telling me that it really helped her power through the rough patch.

My generous support didn’t cost me anything physically, mentally, or energetically. It didn’t take me off my path or add to my time.

In fact, offering her support actually helped me feel stronger. It fueled me in my workout. Giving my friend a lift gave me a lift.

That’s the kind of win/win I look for in life.

The Expanded Capacity of Flow State

The fact that I was able to attune to my friend’s energy, perceive her needs, and offer her support while in the middle of my own workout was huge for me on a personal level.

For years I’ve ping-ponged between the extreme states of ADHD: attention scattered everywhere or hyper-focus. In hyper-focus, I’m zoned in on a single point of focus but disconnected from the world around me, unable to perceive and respond to the needs of others.

In flow state, I was attuned and aware, able to hold space for others while staying focused on my path.

This shatters the myth that we must choose self over other. It proves we can fill up and serve at the same time.

In flow state, we can have an expanded capacity to perceive and respond to the needs of others without sacrificing our own agenda.

We can allow more into our space without being drained by it.

When we are in flow, we can fill up and serve at the same time.