When I mentioned to a gym friend that my Thanksgiving dinner would be “just family,” she responded along the lines of how “just family” is where things get complicated.
That’s a TRUTH.
There’s something about family dynamics and holiday gatherings that can be a bit like sitting on a powder keg. You never know when someone will say something that will light the spark that leads to a big explosion.
To paraphrase the late spiritual teacher Ram Dass, if you think you’re enlightened, try spending some time with your family.
No matter how much inner work we’ve done, how much therapy we’ve had, or and no matter how well we manage to keep our nervous systems regulated out in the world, there’s something about family gatherings that can put us on edge and trigger our most latent and unconscious habitual reactions.
With that in mind, here are 5 strategies to help you keep your nervous system regulated, avoid the land mines, and have a peaceful holiday gathering.
(1) Set Boundaries in Advance
Establish clear rules for what topics of conversation will be off limits.
My sister is hosting our Thanksgiving this year. In her text to the family about logistics, she included a message with some ground rules:
Remember that Thanksgiving is a day for gratitude. Please be thoughtful before you say out loud thoughts that are on your mind. Leave the political, environmental, sarcastic, and critical comments (including subtle jabs) at your car door.
This sets a clear expectation for what will not be tolerated.
Keep in mind that a clear ban on certain categories of conversation might be necessary and helpful even if you think everyone in the group holds the same views.
Certain topics are energetically charged, and even if everyone at the table agrees, discussing them can send our nervous systems into fight-or-flight mode.
Sometimes — often, in fact — it’s not the topic itself that triggers dysregulation, but the emotional charge of the conversation.
There are plenty of other topics to discuss beyond current events.
(2) Pay Attention to Your Body
Even with clear rules and boundaries set in advance, someone is bound to make a comment that pushes the envelope or flat out breaks the rule.
In my family, some people are known for subtly making digs even in expressing their gratitude.
What then?
First, welcome to life. In life, triggers are inevitable.
As Dr. Gabor Mate says, we need to recognize that while other people might say something triggering, we hold the ammunition.
The powder keg is within us.
Many people miss the physical cues that their body gives them when they are on high alert, which reduces their ability to avoid the explosion.
Before the Gathering
Recognize that just the possibility of an explosion is enough to put your nervous system on alert.
Starting the day with a workout can help you get into your body and connect with yourself.
Before you arrive at your gathering, establish your baseline:
- Pause to check in with your body and emotions.
- Notice where you are clenched and where you are relaxed.
- Take a few minutes to ground yourself with some deep breathing.
If you’re clenching or bracing, and do your best to release your defenses through some slow, conscious breathing. Perhaps repeat a mantra such as “I am safe.”
Energy is contagious. If you walk into the space feeling calm and grounded, you can set the tone and impact the energy around you.
If you’re hosting the family, it’s even more important to be grounded. If things feel like chaos in the kitchen, recruit help from people who know their way around, so you’re not scrambling.
During the Gathering
As much and as often as possible while conversations are happening, also pay attention to what is happening in your body.
Notice if you’re physically bracing or clenching. Notice what changes are happening in your body compared to your pre-event baseline.
A regular mind/body or meditation practice can help you lean where and how you habitually brace against the expected “other shoe to drop” or landmine.
Although this will be different for each person, there are some common places we tend to hold tension or brace ourselves:
- the jaw
- the neck/shoulders
- chest
- stomach
- hips
(3) Breathe
Let your breath be your ally, as my friend Kristina Joy, a sound healer and meditation teacher often says.
Conscious breathing is the best tool you can use toward your goal to remain calm and collected. It’s always available to you. Use it liberally.
When you notice tension building up or an active clenching in your body, take a few deep, long inhales through your nose and slow exhales out of your mouth. Focus on sending the breath to those places that are clenched.
Slowing down your breath sends a signal to your nervous system that you are safe. It helps the evolved part of your brain come back on line, taking you out of fight-or-flight mode.
Whenever conversation gets heated, remind yourself to breathe.
(4) Find Pockets of Alone Time to Reconnect Within
I love my family, but even when the conversation is positive and fun, it can be a lot.
As a person who is highly attuned to the surrounding energy (also known as “highly sensitive”), I can get overstimulated and overwhelmed easily.
When I sense my nervous system needs a break, I will excuse myself and go to another room briefly to reground myself in some alone time.
One of my favorite ways to come back to my center is to help with the dishes.
Washing the dishes is a way for me to get the alone time I need while also providing a useful service to the host. It’s an activity that is enhanced by mindful attention: washing a dish with care, I can focus only on that task for a few moments.
(5) Move Your Energy
Verbal outbursts tend to occur when we feel energy building up that needs to be released and we don’t have another outlet for releasing it.
If you’re paying attention to your body, you can feel this before you have the outburst.
When conversation get really heated, or even just emotionally-charged, or if you notice that you want to say something that might not be appropriate, find ways to move your energy that don’t require talking.
Moving your body in some way will move the energy and keep you from being the one who broke the rules.
Helping with the dishes is one way to do this.
Or pursue more vigorous forms of movement:
- Go into another room and do some jumping jacks, a few yoga poses, or stretch.
- Take a walk around the block.
- Organize a game for the kids and/or adults and immerse in some play.
Family flag football was invented for this purpose.
If you’re not up for movement, find a quiet corner for a few minutes of intentional breathing. Moving the breath will move the energy.
As an added bonus, movement will help you avoid that post-turkey coma.
What are your favorite strategies?
What other strategies do you use to maintain family harmony around the holidays? Please share in the comments.
[…] going to need as much of your executive function resources as possible to maintain a harmonious Thanksgiving, so you don’t want to waste it on the meal […]