be with what you feel
embrace the pain and darkness
to catalyze change
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. You must get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
This advice is so ubiquitous that’s it’s almost cliché. In most cases when we say things like this we are referring to actions beyond the typical actions you might do, doing things that stretch you.
Assuming that you’re stretching while still staying within the bounds that foster a sense of safety for your nervous system, getting uncomfortable in your actions is important.
And also it is not enough.
Often overlooked in the discussion of getting uncomfortable is being willing to feel the uncomfortable emotions that arise.
Whether it’s sadness, despair, hopelessness, sorrow, grief, or anger — or any of their “relatives” — I notice how often I typically try to bypass these emotions by deflecting or focusing elsewhere.
It’s taken a lot of training to learn how to stay with these challenging emotions. Especially emotions like anger. Our culture doesn’t teach us how to process and work with anger in a healthy way. The result is that many people are scared of it.
I’ve noticed how often my clients don’t even like to admit their anger even when it’s clearly there. They’ll use softeners like “annoyed” or “frustrated.” And I’ve noticed in myself how I sometimes want to escape my anger by switching to another task, losing myself in a book, or scrolling social media.
On one hand, such diversions are culturally sanctioned. Every student of personal development has heard the mantra:
Where focus goes energy flows.
We’ve heard how gratitude is a panacea for the ickiness of anger and other “bad” feelings.
So why wouldn’t we jump into something else? Isn’t it in our interest to shift focus, so we don’t get stuck in anger or sadness or other painful emotions?
Not exactly.
These emotions can be our best teachers — and catalysts to action.
Anger, for example, often shows us where we need to impose boundaries.
The painful emotions can bring us to a threshold of change. Crossing that threshold requires going all-in: feeling that emotion to the depths until you’ve resolved to make a change because staying where you are is just too painful.
On the other hand, every time you soften, brush-off, or escape anger or sadness you back away from the threshold, inadvertently prolonging your pain.
Painful emotions are important signals that something isn’t aligned. When we allow ourselves to feel them and listen to their messages they can guide us home to our truth and help us catalyze lasting change.
Love it? Hate it? What do you think? Don't hold back...