One of the central themes of the holiday of Yom Kippur is forgiveness.
This is the day on which we request forgiveness from God for the transgressions we committed the last year.
Before we can request forgiveness from God, we must forgive others.
That often proves to be a little more complicated.
First, forgiveness often gets confused with condoning. When we forgive, we are not condoning the offensive behavior. Instead, we are letting go of the emotions we are holding onto regarding the behavior.
Most often, those emotions are some form of anger: anger, resentment, feeling betrayed, disappointment, and so on.
So to forgive, we must let go of these emotions.
That brings the second challenge: grief work.
Any letting go entails a loss, and that loss must be grieved.
There’s a loss to grieve even when you’re letting go of anger and resentment.
In order to truly forgive, you must acknowledge and grieve the loss of the anger and resentment to which you’re holding.
Why are you holding on to it in the first place?
How is it serving you?
That might sound like a strange question. How would anger serve you?
Anything you’re holding on to is serving you in some way. Even your anger, frustration, and resentment, even your victimhood, even your despair and hopelessness.
They contribute to your identity and your sense of self. So, even when you’re letting go of anger and resentment, even in forgiveness, there is grief. Because to forgive means to release the ego, to give yourself over to faith that there is a divine process that is guiding you.
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