You might think it’s impossible to publish a daily blog and still stay hidden. Hundreds of people visit my blog every day.
But that’s me: always proving the impossible can be done.
Sometimes I have my moments where I open the door and give a glimpse of me. But more often than not, especially lately, I find myself self-censoring.
I often edit myself so heavily that what I publish feels trite and cliche, stripped of my voice, my personality, my essence.
I am not here to share generic content. So I’m angry and disappointed in myself. Judging. Turning against myself. It’s a pattern.
Why do I self-censor?
Deeply embedded in my psyche is the conditioning that if I share my truths I will suffer consequences: nobody will want to date me or marry me, clients won’t want to work with me, colleagues and peers won’t respect me, I will shame my family and my community.
I’ll lose business, friends, love, family.
I’ll be alone.
That’s the fear. I’ll live the rest of my life alone.
Buying into that belief, I’ve kept myself silent and hidden.
I’ve allowed myself to be censored by fear of being alone and isolated, by the fear of repelling potential clients and having no business.
The Irony of Fear
So despite my pretense of visibility, I remain invisible. Afraid to venture out in the public squares of social media, to speak my truth, to share my challenges, and also to share my opinions and expertise, to make the case for what I do and how I serve.
I’m so afraid of being misunderstood when I can’t eloquently articulate myself that I don’t take a stand for what really matters, what I believe in, and how I can help.
Because I don’t share my truth, because I remain hidden, nobody can see me, and nobody knows what I do.
So, yes, perhaps I’m not repelling potential clients, but only because potential clients can’t even find their way to me. Even my friends and family forget to call because they aren’t sure what I”m doing.
How is that serving anyone?
That’s the irony of fear: when you try to avoid the thing you fear, it ends up happening anyway.
The walls that protect you in prison you. I am in a prison of my own making. And I hold the key.
Releasing Fear’s Grip
There’s nothing left for me to lose. So what, exactly, am I afraid of losing?
How could sharing my truth have worse consequences than staying silent? How can being seen have worse consequences than staying hidden?
Of course, these questions make sense rationally. They appeal to my cognitive mind.
But fear doesn’t live only in the mind. It also lives in the body. It’s important to acknowledge that this isn’t just about shifting mindset, of putting “mind over matter.” Moving through fear requires retraining neurology. It’s body work.
It’s subconscious work.
Courage Over Coherency
I had a thought that I need to just rip off the band-aid. Just give myself a prompt and start writing and set a timer and that’s it. When the timer goes off, I publish. Even if it’s not finished.
No agenda. No idea where it’s going to go. No call to action. No intention to share some big lesson (or even a little lesson). No striving to make a point. Maybe it won’t even be complete.
Just share what is arising in this moment.
Besides, who made up the rule that a blog post must convey authority and expertise?
And why am I subscribing to that rule?
Instead of trying to be coherent, what if I just try to be courageous?
Maybe it will bumble and stumble a little bit. Maybe I’ll get it wrong more than right. Maybe I’ll fail spectacularly.
What’s left to lose?
That’s my time.