Healing the Trauma of Masking ADHD

I was first diagnosed with ADHD over 20 years ago, when I was in in my mid–20s.

At the time, my parents’ reaction was “that’s not possible because you did well in school.”

As my first ADHD therapist pointed out, the structure of school — with its defined periods for each subject — was helpful for my attention and focus.

Back then, ADHD was still primarily known as a diagnosis given to hyperactive young boys, and I clearly didn’t fit that mold. Even as a child, I wasn’t unusually hyperactive — although I did have a penchant for risky behavior like climbing to hang from the chandeliers.

Not much was known about “inattentive” ADHD, the type that more commonly manifests in girls.

The Obvious Signs of ADHD

My parents didn’t know enough to recognize all the signs that were always there, like my constantly “messy” room, extreme emotional outbursts in my tween years, my constantly darting eyes, and my penchant for interrupting people.

Yes, I did well in elementary and high school in terms of getting good grades. But focusing on the outcome overlooked my tumultuous process:

I procrastinated on every paper and project until the close to the deadline. When finals came around, my mom used to warn me: don’t put all your eggs in one basket. But I couldn’t help it. I would hyper-focus on studying history — my worst subject — and then scramble to study for the other subjects.

In some ways, I was lucky that I didn’t have to study as much for other subjects.

Signs of challenge were more obvious when I got to college, where I floundered without the rigorous structure of my high school years. I went from an A student to a C average in my first semester.

Those challenges resurfaced in my 20s when I was working as a lawyer in a big law firm — my position at the time I was diagnosed.

Recently I met someone who remarked, “that must have been torture for you.” For the first time in my adult life, I felt seen in a way I had never been seen before. This person didn’t have ADHD, but they had empathy and compassion and an understanding of the challenges.

An Often Overlooked Sign of ADHD

Another clear sign is that as a child I was clumsy, uncoordinated, and accident-prone. I had knee problems and movement issues.

Even today, many people don’t realize that ADHD also shows up in the physical body. Low levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is one of the hallmarks of ADHD, is associated with muscle stiffness, tremors, and fatigue. In addition, the same impulse control of the brain and behavior that people associate with ADHD can manifest in the body — perhaps explaining why so many people with ADHD are prone to fidgeting and roving eyes.

The Toll of Chronic Stress and Masking

In many ways, I powered through, living under constant stress that kept me in chronic fight-or-flight mode. In retrospect, it’s no surprise that I was often sick as a child and in my high school years, with many illnesses that seemed to have no distinct origin.

Like many high-functioning and high-achieving women with ADHD, I became excellent at what is called “masking”: presenting an appearance that could “pass” as neurotypical.

Although I didn’t understand this at the time, I lived my life under the chronic stress of urgency. because it was the only way I could generate the dopamine to get things done.

As an adult, I’ve learned that living under this type of chronic stress for such a long duration is considered a trauma.

The Fear of Talking About ADHD

At the time I was diagnosed, nobody talked about ADHD. As a lawyer early in my career it didn’t feel safe to speak about it at work.

And with a family who didn’t get it and didn’t believe it was real, I had no support system — something that is crucial for anyone going through physical and mental health challenges.

I was largely left to my own to find solutions and figure out what worked for me.

These days, thankfully, more people are talking openly about ADHD. Our understanding of the science behind ADHD has come a long way. There’s less stigma and more acceptance.

Although there is more acceptance of ADHD these days, and more talk about mental health in general, it can be hard to overcome the entrenched conditioning that sharing more about my ADHD experiences will be unsafe.

But the more I share in public, the more I find people who are grateful for my earned insights and practical wisdom.

Finding the Strategies that Work

It took me years of trying to follow traditional productivity hacks and tips to realize that as good as some of those tips and systems seem, they won’t work for me. Trying to adopt them in my own life is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

In particular, things like motivation and the reward circuitry of the brain work different. This means that task initiation, procrastination, consistency, and organization are going to look different for those of us who have ADHD.

I’ve had to find my own way by finding or creating strategies that work for me.

Why It’s Important to Speak About ADHD

There are still misconceptions and ignorance about ADHD, and a boatload of shame carried by those of us who have it.

And there is so much that we still don’t know about this condition and how it manifests. Especially in women, and especially in women going through perimenopause. As I’ve learned, this is the time of life when the way ADHD shows up can change. It may require new strategies.

The only way we’ll learn is by sharing our knowledge and experience openly.

To paraphrase Brené Brown, shame dies in the light. The more we can share openly, the more we can unburden ourselves of the heavy load that keeps us in hiding. And the more we share, collectively, the more we can learn.

Healing the Chronic Trauma of Masking ADHD

Even something as simple as publishing this essay is a big step to healing the shame and trauma created by years of chronic masking.

Don’t underestimate the healing power of speaking what is true. Sometimes it can be that simple.

When we are willing to be seen in our challenges, we help others know they are not alone and we open ourselves to receiving the support that is so essential.

Nobody needs to do it alone.

My Renewed Commitment

Over the past 20+ years, I’ve experienced the many challenges of living with ADHD. I’ve also received its many gifts.

To fully harness its power, I know I must accept the dark with the light, and speak to both.

In many ways, I already do speak to my experience.

My tips on productivity, habit creation, ritual, organizing time and managing emotions are all written through the lens of my experience as a woman with ADHD.

This doesn’t mean they are only for people with ADHD. I often say that ADHD strategies can work for everyone.

But I’ve realized that maybe it would help to be more explicit about that. It’s also important to know that we have our own places we can go for advice and tips that are for people like us.

In service of the larger community of people who struggle with the challenges of ADHD, and especially women who face unique challenges, I’m all in.

We can do this together.