The Limits of Striving For More

I knew better than to tempt fate on the day of a lunar eclipse in Scorpio, but I did it anyway.

A couple of weeks ago, I had completed my heaviest deadlift off the floor using a hex bar: 215 pounds. I had done 215 before, but only with the bar resting on blocks. The elevation from the floor makes it an easier lift.

On that day, I had tried for 225 but I couldn’t get it. I had to let it go.

And I wanted it.

I told my coach I wanted to try for it on Friday, even though I knew it was tempting fate to go for this on the day of the south node lunar eclipse in Scorpio — a day for letting go.

My body generally isn’t at its best during a full moon, especially a Scorpio moon.

And I knew that I’d be doing barbell deadlifts that morning in CrossFit, working to a 1-rep-max weight.

But I wanted that 225 on hex bar. And I wanted it before my birthday.

When my Taurus sun get fixated on something, it doesn’t let go that easily.

My previous personal record (PR) for barbell deadlifts was 177, under quiet, non-class conditions, with my coach standing right next to me. The heaviest I had ever done in class — under conditions that are more disruptive to my nervous system — was 165.

I went into my 5:30 am CrossFit class with a conservative plan, aiming for a max of 175. Maybe 180 if I was feeling good.

Then the unexpected happened:

I felt strong. I was moving pretty well. 175 felt good. I went for 185, and it felt good.

When I dared to attempt 195, I hit a sticking point. I shook it off and switched my grip on the bar from double overhand to a mixed grip: one hand over and one hand under.

It was a tough lift, but I got 195.

And then I dared some more: I had 2.5 pound plates laying next to my barbell and there was still time on the clock.

It was like another force took over my body as I loaded the bar to 200 and went for it. I was prepared to fail, and it would have been ok.

And then the unexpected happened:

I got a 200-pound barbell off the floor.

It was a big moment: A 23-pound PR.

A cause for celebration, if I would have given myself a moment to truly celebrate.

As big as it was, it was bittersweet for me because it wasn’t the one I wanted that day.

I wanted the hex deadlift of 225 with my coach standing by my side. He’s worked with me for months on my confidence and my technique, and I wanted the big moment with him.

When I told my coach about the PR, he suggested we defer my hex deadlifts for another day. He thought it was a bad idea to go for my goal after just reaching a big lift.

But when I get fixed on something, I get fixed.

I was riding high from my CrossFit PR. I was feeling strong and confident. And I wanted that 225.

I knew I had it in me.

There was no convincing me that it would be a bad idea. Even if he is the expert.

We went for it.

And I didn’t get it.

I didn’t even get the 215 that I had achieved two weeks prior.

Maybe it was the full moon and eclipse happening just at the moment I was attempting these lifts.

Maybe it was that we used kilogram plates instead of using pound plates.

Maybe we had the wrong strategy in the progression of loading the bar.

Maybe I was more fatigued than I thought from the morning — even though it was hours later.

Maybe I just didn’t have it in me the way I thought I did.

Or some combination of all of the above.

The closest I got was a deadlift of 213.4 pounds.

And just like that, the high from my big CrossFit PR that morning faded into a distant memory.

I was angry. I was sad. I was grieving.

Instead of spending the day celebrating a big achievement, I spent the rest of the afternoon processing my grief and feeling bad about my failure.

The Lesson of Taurus and Scorpio

The planets have their ways to teach their lessons, and there’s no outmaneuvering eclipse energy.

The full moon pitted the sun in Taurus opposite the moon in Scorpio. Both signs are fixed energy. They go after the same thing in different ways.

What both signs want us to do is to be present to the moment. Appreciate where you are. These are signs that anchor their seasons.

The Element of Hod: Appreciating Where You Are

This story is also an example of a misalignment of Hod, the fifth sphere in the Kabbalah Tree of Life.

Hod translates to gratitude, beauty, and splendor. It is the trait of humility. Hod is the complement and counter to Netzach, the drive and will to achieve. In the body, it is the left hip and leg.

Hod also seeks wisdom from the people around us, knowing when to defer our ego to the advice of others.

If we are all Hod, always appreciating things just as they are, we might lose our drive to achieve bigger things. Sometimes we need to see what isn’t working.

But if we lack Hod, if we are all Netzach, only striving and driving to achieve, we never appreciate where we are. We miss the beauty of the moment. And, as I learned, we might not get what we’re striving for.

Just like we can walk only by alternating one foot in front of the other, we can achieve things only by combining Netzach and Hod.

Instead of celebrating my big win, I spent the afternoon sulking about my big failure. I let my ego and my desire for more get in my way.

And I learned my lesson: the only way to move forward to bigger things is to appreciate where you are.