When someone asks you “how are you?” do you answer honestly? Do you even get the chance?
When others ask “how are you” or “how are you feeling” we often give generic responses like OK. Fine. Great. To the extent that these responses are not the truth of our current experience, they close us off from others and also from ourselves. By saying we are great when we are not, in fact, great, we deny our current experience.
Mindfulness is about accepting our current experience without judgment. This requires us to be truthful about what we feel: first with ourselves, then with others — where appropriate.
The Power of Vulnerability
Common wisdom is that sharing our experience with others opens the doors to deeper connection and love. I have found this to be true in my experience. As I have struggled through difficult times, being willing to share my truth with others has created a space where they feel safe to share with me that they have been facing similar challenges. Those moments of sharing have helped us both see that we are not alone.
That type of experience is part of my motivation behind my commitment to publish a blog post every day. I’ve received so many wonderful emails and messages from readers who tell me that what I write has been helpful to them, even if they don’t comment in the comments.
Brené Brown teaches that the shame that often forces us into silence loses its power when we bring our stories into the open. I believe that’s true. There is power in vulnerability. The more we can see that we are not alone in our experiences, the more we can find paths of deeper healing.
And…
It’s Not Always Appropriate to Share
It’s important for us to recognize that not every “how are you” can be answered with the truth.
The question “how are you?” is one of my pet peeves. It’s unspecific, and often asked as a rote part of a greeting, where the person asking it doesn’t actually care to know how you are.
Perhaps you’ve been on either side of a conversation like this, when you run into an acquaintance on the street or a colleague in the office:
Person 1: Hi! How are you?
Person 2: [opens mouth to speak]
Person 1: Great! Me too!
Sometimes OK or Fine is all you can fit into that moment where the other person is passing by you without even pretending to stop and listen to the response.
Honor Your Truth Without Oversharing
Trying to share our truth with someone who isn’t prepared to receive can feel awkward at best. In the worst case, if the person doesn’t know how to respond, it can leave us feeling scarred rejection and close us off the vulnerability in the future.
How can you honor your truth without oversharing?
Here are two approaches I take, depending on the situation.
(1) Don’t Respond.
If the person asking is not even bothering to stop, I don’t respond in any external way. To the other person, I didn’t hear the question. But I don’t ignore the question entirely. I use it as an invitation to check in with myself about how I’m feeling, and I respond internally.
(2) Assess Willingness to Listen.
Sometimes people are sincere when they ask how you are. They really do want to know. And they may even want to hold space to hear how you are really feeling. It’s also possible that as much as they want to listen, they might not have capacity to hold space in that moment.
Often, people don’t know what to do with an answer that is not OK or great.
The best way to assess is to feel it out by responding in a way that lets them know this isn’t a one-word answer.
Some examples:
- It’s a little complicated right now.
- Do you want to hear what I tell most people, or the truth?
- How much time do you have?
These responses help create awareness for others that this question isn’t always so simple, and it invites them to tell you whether they wish to hear more.
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