A young couple I know recently had their first child. The new father shared with me that didn’t expect the overwhelming sense of responsibility he feels for another person. It hasn’t quite hit him that he’s now someone’s “dad.”
In other words, on the cognitive level he knows he is a father; the birth of his child automatically conferred this new title on him.
But he hasn’t yet embodied this new identity of being a father.
This gap between a change in role and a shift in identity reveals an important truth: roles can change instantly, but embodying a new identity takes time and consistent action.
Why You Feel Stuck
The new father’s experience mirrors what many of us feel when we try to make lasting changes.
We want to adopt new habits–like exercising, writing, or being more mindful–but we focus on what we do without connecting it to who we are becoming.
This disconnect is often why we feel stuck or frustrated.
Identity Comes First
Identity is the strongest driver of human behavior. We naturally act in ways that align with how we see ourselves. This creates a powerful feedback loop:
- *Identity drives action*: How we see ourselves shapes what we do.
- *Action reinforces identity*: What we do strengthens how we see ourselves.
If you want to make sustainable changes, you need to start with this question:
Who do I want to become?
Unlike roles, which can shift depending on context, identity is foundational.
If you want to make a change, start by asking yourself:
Who do I want to become?
For example, if your goal is to improve your fitness, don’t just aim to work out more. See yourself as an athlete.
This shift in identity doesn’t just impact one action, such as what you do in the gym. It influences your decisions about various issues, such as eating, sleeping, recovery, and other aspects of your life.
Why Acting “As If” Feels Hard
Many people hesitate to act “as if” they are the person they want to become because it feels inauthentic or even fraudulent.
That discomfort is normal.
Roles can change instantly — whether imposed by life events like becoming a parent or through major life choices.
But embodying a new identity takes time: it evolves through repeated action.
Over time, as the new father holds his son, cares for him, and shows up in his parenting, he will embody the identity of being a dad.
As you show up consistently and take actions aligned with the person you want to become, you become that person.
Action is the Bridge
If you feel stuck or frustrated, remind yourself that identity evolves through action. Keep showing up, even when it feels uncomfortable. Over time, you will become the person you’re working to embody.
Action is the bridge between who we are and who we want to become. It’s through consistent, aligned actions that we inhabit and embody our new identity.
Love it? Hate it? What do you think? Don't hold back...