I know what I need to do, but I’m not doing it.
If you’ve ever said this, you’d fit in well with my clients. Much my personal investigation into human behavior is focused on why we don’t do the things we say we want to do or know we “should” do.
When it comes to places where you’re not taking action, what are the reasons you’re holding back?
If you’re like most of my clients, “fear of failure” is likely at the top of your list.
My clients learn quickly that I’m going to push back on this (with the utmost compassion).
I don’t dismiss the fact that “fear of failure” might feel real. It might even be real and true. That said, it is a lazy excuse that doesn’t actually help solve anything.
Here’s why “fear of failure” is setting you up to fail.
(1) It’s Too General
“Fear of failure” is so general as to lack any meaning.
This is fear’s game: fear loves to hide in generalities.
The same is true of its softer siblings, “anxiety” and “worry.”
In fact, “anxiety” is defined as “generalized fear.”
This isn’t to say “fear of failure” can’t be real and true. It absolutely can be true.
What does failure even mean?
If you want to work with the fear of failure, then you must do the difficult work of defining failure.
If you haven’t defined failure for the specific context in which you’re holding fear, then you are simply just afraid of any outcome. And of course you’ll be stuck in fear.
In order to successfully navigate your fears of “failure,” you must articulate with specificity:
- What does failure looks like?
- How will you know when you’ve failed?
(2) Fear of Failure is Inaccurate
The other reason that “fear of failure” is a lazy excuse is because it’s not accurate.
To understand why it’s inaccurate, it helps to distinguish between risk and consequences.
I’ve been practicing flying trapeze for over 20 years. People often tell me they could never do this because they have a fear of heights. Most of those people have no fear of being on a high floor in a tall building and looking out the window, let alone being in the upstairs of their house.
Legendary rock climber Alex Honnold, known for climbing big routes without ropes, as portrayed in the documentary Free Solo, has said that people aren’t really afraid of heights. The real fear, he explains, is the consequence of falling from heights.
As Honnold has explained it in the context of climbing, the risk of a climb is determined by how hard the climb is and how prepared the climber is. The consequence is what would happen if he fell during a climb.
This framework offers a helpful lens for the “fear of failure.”
Failure is the risk. What you really fear is the consequence of failure.
In the context of climbing, failure is the risk of falling. The fear is the consequence — death or severe injury.
When it comes to your “fear of failure,” it helps to articulate what the consequence of failure. Or, more accurately, what you perceive the consequence to be.
That takes us into the 3rd reason “fear of failure” is a lazy excuse:
(3) Most Consequences Are Invented
Your perception of the consequences of failure are beliefs. In most cases, you don’t actually know the consequences of failure.
A rock climber climbing 3,000 feet without ropes knows the consequences of falling. That’s why Alex Honnold practiced for years with ropes before tackling the route without ropes.
In flying trapeze, I work on tricks for months or years in safety lines, and I work on my trampoline skills, before I take a trick out of lines.
These are examples of how to manage risk to mitigate known consequences.
But think about more mundane decisions where we get caught in “fear of failure.”
When I was younger, I used to fear failing a test in school.
What’s the consequence of failing a test in school? I believed it meant I wouldn’t get into a good college and then I’d have no future.
I could have saved a lot of fear by learning that this was not at all true.
What’s the consequence of publishing a blog post or social media post that doesn’t land? Or launching an offering that gets no traction?
The truth is that your worst case scenario almost never happens. The other truth is that we often don’t know what the consequence will be.
That said, usually there’s little consequence aside from a bruised ego.
Putting it Together: How to Address Your Fear of Failure
Let’s put this together.
The next time you have a “fear of failure,” take these steps:
- Define with specificity what “failure” means in that context.
- Define your perceived consequences of failure.
- Notice what you believe to be the consequences and where those beliefs come from. Seek a reality check on the likelihood of those consequences actually happening.
This is where a good coach can be especially useful. Find a coach who won’t let you escape into the generality of “fear of failure.”
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