The process of change is slow.
When we don’t see results at the pace we expect, we might be inclined to get critical with ourselves — or with others.
The Sun vs The Wind
Aesop’s fable of the sun and the wind illustrates these two different approaches to catalyzing change:
The wind proposes a wager to the sun that it can force a man to remove his jacket and scarf faster than the sun.
The wind blows hard, and the man walks faster. The wind tries again. The man tightens his scarf and buttons the jacket. The harder the wind blows, the more the man grips on to his jacket and scarf.
Then the sun attempts to produce the result. It gently shines its rays on the man. Slowly, the man begins to warm up. He loosens his scarf. He unbuttons his jacket. As the sun continues to shine its rays, the man eventually removes his scarf and jacket completely.
In this fable, the wind represents aggression and force; the sun represents gentleness.
One approach leads to holding on and resistance to change; the other facilitates it.
How to Effect Sustainable Change
We can see the practical evidence of these two approaches in our daily experience, whether we are working on changing habits of action, thoughts, or behavior, or are working on changing our physical body.
It’s all the same, of course, because it’s all related to how we effect sustainable change.
When I respond to my coaching clients’ resistance with compassion, some of them lament that I’m “going soft” on them.
Many people gravitate to hot “power” yoga because of the beliefs that if they sweat a lot or do aggressive poses they will get more benefits to the body.
In the gym, this shows up as the belief that doing more sets and reps and heavier loads will make us stronger.
Many parents believe that setting harsh rules will force their kids to conform their behavior.
The Habit of Criticism
If you were raised in an era when criticism and forceful demands were the common approaches to effecting change in others, reliance on that criticism may have become a habit in its own right.
For those of us habituated to criticism and force as a method for inducing change, receiving compassion and gentleness — from ourselves or others — can feel like “going soft.”
Under the surface, we might fear that a compassionate response “lets us off the hook” and won’t help us achieve the results we desire.
We forget that the arc of change is long.
What Drives Sustainable Change
Aggression and force may create bigger change in the moment, but those changes often don’t last. What’s more, harsh tactics aren’t sustainable over the long duration that change requires — they are exhausting to sustain.
A gentle and compassionate approach may not create big changes in the moment, but it creates a space of safety that induces small and sustainable shifts. Over the long arc of time, those small shifts turn into bigger changes.
Change isn’t an overnight endeavor. To succeed, we need to cultivate a compassionate approach and patience to ride it out.
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