I arrived at trampoline class today in a raw emotional state. My opening set of warm-up bounces started to dislodge some of the stuck emotions in my body.
I came off the trampoline, got on a mat in child’s pose, and started to cry.
Not silent tears.
Loud, messy crying.
My friend Naomi was also on the mat. I felt her presence next to me, observing. At first she did nothing. Then I felt her move closer.
And then she silently put one hand on my back. She let her hand rest on my back until my crying subsided. Then she told me she was going to get a box of tissues.
She set the tissues in front of me and then placed her hand on my back again.
She sat there with her hand on my back until I made the first move.
I sat up briefly to take a tissue.
I said thank you.
Then I put myself back in child’s pose. And she put her hand back on my back.
Then she asked me if there was anything else I needed. I asked her to take a picture of her hand on my back.
Which made us both laugh.
But it was important. Because what she did was a model of how to hold space for someone in their emotional experience. And I wanted to capture the moment.
What she didn’t do is also a model of how to respond when people around us have an emotional experience.
Notably, here is what she didn’t do:
She didn’t ask are you ok?
She didn’t ask what’s wrong?
She didn’t ask why are you crying?
Crying isn’t a sign of weakness or being too sensitive or that something is wrong. It’s a sign of a healthy functioning system.
The body has many ways to release toxins. Sweating. Excretion. Exhaling. Tears.
You don’t ask people why they are sweating during a workout, or why they are going to the bathroom. You don’t need to ask why they’re crying.
5 Tips for Holding Space for Emotions
What Naomi did was simple, subtle, and profound.
(1) She sat with me in silence.
Not everything needs discussion or words. Sometimes talking isn’t the right thing in the moment. It takes us out of our emotional experience.
(2) She let me be in my experience.
When we allow people to be in their own experience, without making them wrong or asking them to justify their emotions, we allow them to self-resource and build resilience.
(3) She put her hand on my back.
She gave me the healing power of human touch.
A hand on the back is a gesture of support and care. It also soothes the nervous system. It lets us know we are held.
It’s a non-verbal way to say, “I’ve got your back.”
(4) She announced her move.
This is an advanced tip that is trauma-informed.
Before she went to get the tissues, Naomi informed me that she would be doing so.
By telling me she was going to get tissues, she communicated to my nervous system that I was still safe. I wasn’t abandoned. Simply announcing what she was going to do before she took her hand off my back prevented me from wondering where she went.
(5) She let me speak first.
Other than announcing when she was going to get tissues, Naomi waited for me to speak first.
And when she did speak in response, it wasn’t to ask me what was going on. She asked me what else do you need?
You Don’t Need Special Training to Be Human
I should note here that my friend Naomi isn’t a coach or therapist. She didn’t have to train in being trauma-informed.
She is a human being with empathy and awareness.
You don’t need special training to hold space for people in their emotions.
You simply need to be comfortable in the silence, and to care.
Love it? Hate it? What do you think? Don't hold back...