the ultimate gift
hold space for experience
permission to be
It had been a long and exciting night of family fun on Thanksgiving.
Now my 10-year old niece was curled up on her bed, crying.
I first wanted to make sure she was ok.
Was she hurt? Or in pain? No.
Was she sad? Angry? No.
Could she tell me why she was crying?
I don’t know why I’m crying.
I could hear her frustration. She really didn’t know. That seemed to make it worse for her, like her physiological action was betraying her common sense.
I curled up on the bed next to her, looked her in the eye and told her that it was ok. She didn’t need a reason to cry.
Sometimes the body needs to release something. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to us. It doesn’t have to.
Like going to the bathroom or throwing up when you’re sick. Crying is a normal physiological response.
As she cried, I stroked her back. I let her have her experience. I reminded her that it was ok, and in fact even healthy for her to cry.
I encouraged her.
It was one of the best gifts I’ve ever given. A gift nobody gave me when I was her age — and one that I’ve had to learn to give myself.
Too often, kids (and adults) are told they need a reason to feel a certain way or express certain emotions.
We must normalize emotions and help kids learn to be with what they’re feeling.
My niece may not even realize that this was a gift. She may be more excited by the physical present I gave her. The box that could be unwrapped.
But I believe that as she gets older she will understand the value of the gift I gave her in that moment: presence, permission to be in her experience, to cry for no reason.
The best gift we can give another is to hold space for them to be in their own experience, whatever it is.
Presence is the best present.
There’s no supply shortage, it costs nothing, and it never goes out of style.
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