My Year of Showing Up

This has been a hard year for me in every area of my life. But through it all, I showed up.

The other night, I went out in the rain to a party I didn’t really want to attend. I put on a smile and made small talk. I hate small talk.

On the subway home, this flowed out of me:

I Showed Up

I showed up, like I’ve done all year.

In the hours of my darkest grief and despair, I showed up.

In my moments of elation. I showed up.

Time after time, in this crappiest of years, I showed up.

At every turn, I faced what life served me head on. Every emotion. Every obstacle. Every pain. Every fear. Every disappointment.

I didn’t try to escape. I didn’t spiritually bypass.

I showed up. I dug in.

Many days I hit the pillow praying to be done. I’ve wished this year to be over since February.

And every day when the alarm went off, when I wanted desperately to stay under the covers, I got up and got moving.

I showed up.

Every day.

In the gym. On the cushion. At the keyboard.

For friends, for family, for clients. In Circle in my programs. As a volunteer in service to others.

I showed up in my full presence and I gave what I could. And when I had nothing left to give, I found the courage to ask for what I needed and allowed myself to receive.

Most crucially, I showed up for myself.

When nobody was there to talk me off the literal ledge, I talked myself off.

When nobody was there to pick up the pieces of my shattered soul, I cut my own hands as I scooped up the shards of glass from the bathroom floor.

Time and again, I showed up.

In some cases it was the least I could do.

Other times it was all I could do.

In every case, it was enough.

It was not the best of Years. But I am still here. Because I showed up.

Synchronicity

Today, I started my year-end reflection ritual. I pulled out my journals and vision sheets from the 3-week visioning process I did at the start of this year. I had spent 3 weeks in deep inquiry with my inner wisdom, extracting guidance from the deepest part of my soul.

I found a sheet with my full vision on it, including the themes I had given my year. I had transcribed the core of this into my current journal, but not this page. I hadn’t looked at this particular page in months.

But there it was, at the top of the page.

The Year of Showing Up.

And I laughed.

Sometimes we know before we know.

My soul knew, this would be the year of Showing Up.

And it was. Because I did.

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Today is Day 40 of my daily publishing experiment.