Here’s an often overlooked truth: you don’t even need a reason to feel angry. Sometimes you just wake up that way.
If you hold onto the anger or try to suppress it, it will burn a hole in you. Your anger is a sacred part of you and needs to be expressed.
That said, if you go around indiscriminately unleashing your anger on random people — or even the people who triggered it — you’re going to get yourself in trouble.
Sometimes the person who triggered your anger is someone you don’t know, or someone who may not be alive. And sometimes the thing that triggers your anger is not a person. It could be a life situation, the state of the world, or something you can’t even identify.
Here’s a framework for expressing your anger without burning bridges.
Read: 5 Tips for Managing Anger with ADHD
(1) Acknowledge Your Anger
The very first step may seem obvious, but it’s often overlooked. Before you can process it or express it, you must acknowledge the anger.
Your anger is a sacred part of you that is longing to be seen and heard. It carries vital information. Treat it as a long-lost friend.
Acknowledge its presence. Welcome it. Sit with it. Feel it.
Notice where the anger shows up in your body. Is it showing up as knot in your stomach, a lump in your throat, a pain in your low back or hip? Is your jaw tight?
As you sit with the anger, notice if the physical sensations start to shift, change, or dissipate.
The more you engage in this practice, the more you’ll see patterns in how anger shows up inside you. This will help you with the next step.
(2) Investigate Your Anger
Once you’ve acknowledged the anger, investigate it. Get to know it. You might find it helpful to speak with it — and even to give it a name, like it’s a person.
- What specifically triggered it to arise this time?
- What story are you telling yourself about this situation?
- Is this about the current situation or is it an old story triggering old wounds?
- Anger often indicates a place where someone breeched a boundary or violated a value. What boundary was crossed? What value was violated?
- What emotions are underneath the anger?
Anger is often a mask for fear; it feels more empowering to get angry than be in fear. Can you get to the fear underneath the anger?
These first two steps are crucial before you move on to the next steps. You must do your inner work first. The only exception is if you’re working with a coach or therapist to help you acknowledge and investigate the anger.
Need support in investigating your anger? That’s part of what I do in my coaching practice. Click here to schedule a consultation.
(3) Find an Outlet for Your Anger
As you investigate your anger, find our what this part of you needs. Sometimes it just needs a little love and reassurance and it goes away. Other times, we need to move it through us or express it in some form.
Once you’ve done your inner work, it’s time to process the heat.
Your instinct might be to vent or punch a pillow, but beware that some activities, like punching a pillow or excessive venting, can keep you stewing in the anger, rather than moving it through you.
Here are some ways to effectively move the emotion through you.
- Movement practices. Do breath-work or a movement practice like yoga, or channel it into a a more intense workout or heaving lifting session.
- Fuel your work. Anger can actually serve as a powerful fuel for focus and productivity — especially when we feel like the project is aimed at a purpose that will “right the wrong.” Use anger as your focusing agent to help you power through some big project that will make an impact for yourself and others.
- Gather and organize your people. If your anger is related to bigger picture themes and injustice, you might find it useful to channel the anger into action like cultivating a community or organizing a protest.
- Talk it out with someone neutral. Phone a friend, coach, or therapist who has capacity to listen and hold space for you to express it, but who isn’t directly involved in the situation. You want a space-holder, not a commiserator.
(4) Cool Down Before You Speak Up
If you’re feeling angry because of something someone else did and you’re planning to confront them about it, cool down before you speak up.
You’ll have a more effective conversation if you’re not feeling the emotional charge of anger when you speak with the other person.
Also recognize that whatever the other person did might be a precipitating trigger of your anger, but it may not be the actual cause of your anger.
This goes back to the first step: do your inner work to get to the root of your anger.
(5) In Conversations, Start with Curiosity
If you are going to have a conversation with someone who did something that made you angry, makes sure you approach the conversation in full integrity.
Read my 7 Tips for Constructive Conversations to set yourself up for success. Conversations about things that triggered your anger should be synchronous: ideally be face-to-face, or over the phone. This is not the time for a text exchange or even voice notes.
Constructive conversations are dialogues, not back-and-forth monologues.
Once you’re face-to-face (or on the phone), lead with curiosity. Ask questions instead of making statements.
Keep this in mind: you’re angry because of a story you’re telling yourself about a situation, and the meaning you’re giving it.
The other person or people involved may have a very different story about the same event.
In fact, sometimes people do things that anger us and they don’t even realize what they did. Don’t assume the person knows what they did or that they even know you’re angry.
Be an investigator, and seek to uncover the other person’s story about what happened. Instead of accusing or blaming the person for taking a certain action (or not taking action), ask why did you ….?
Own that you’re feeling angry without making it about them or their actions.
It can also be useful to frame your perspective as a story you’re telling yourself about what happened. This will diffuse any blame or accusations you might make, because they are part of your story, which may not be the complete truth of the events.
Once you have the other person’s side of the story, you might find that your anger was misplaced. Or, if its still relevant, you can share how the person’s actions or words impacted you and triggered your anger.
If your inner work uncovered the fear or grief beneath your anger, you can share the fear with the other person, if it feels safe to be so vulnerable.
This can open the door to a constructive conversation that becomes solution-oriented, instead of focused on past actions.
Need an Outlet to Express Your Anger?
Part of my work as a coach is holding space for my clients’ big emotions and helping them process the emotions so they can move forward. If you’re seeing red and need someone to help you clear the anger fog, reach out for support.
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