5 Reasons You Might Struggle to Receive Support if You Have ADHD

Do you struggle to get the support you need?

Many people with ADHD — especially women — struggle to receive the support they need.

Why is this the case? Let’s take a look.

The Formula for Receiving Support

The formula for receiving support is pretty simple:

(1) Identify the support you need.
(2) Find someone who can give you that support.
(3) Ask for the support you need.
(4) Be open to receiving that support.

This seems straightforward enough.

So why can it be so hard to receive support?

Let’s look a little deeper.

(1) Awareness of the Support You Need

Often, people with ADHD aren’t clear on what support they need. When life feels overwhelming and even basic tasks feel like big hurdles, it’s hard to know where to start.

We don’t always have models of how we can be supported to know what’s possible. What we see around us is a world of people who may offer supports different from what we truly need.

Identifying what support will be most useful in your current circumstances can be a practice of trial and error.

For example, maybe you think you need an accountability partner, but what you really need is someone to help you get clear on what to do in the first place. Once you have that clarity, you might not need an accountability partner.

Or perhaps you think you need to know what to do, but what you’re really missing is the techniques for how to do it.

If you’re unclear with what support you need, that’s normal. And in that case, the best place to start is by seeking support to help you figure that out.

Never underestimate the power of the basics.

(2) Acceptance of What You Need

Before we even articulate the support we need to anyone else, we must come to terms with it internally.

In a culture that conditions us to the responsibilities of our life roles, accepting that you need support in a core area of life tasks can be a big hurdle.

For example, if you’re a mom who struggles with the basics of managing your kids’ schedules and meal prep, you’ve got to overcome the cultural conditioning that success at these tasks are what define a “good mother.”

Accepting that you need support in any tasks that you perceive as crucial to your identity is not a small matter.

(3) Find Someone Who Can Give You That Support

Once you’ve identified the support you need, finding someone who can give you that support can be the next hurdle.

There may be no shortage of people out there who seem to be able to offer what you need, but how many of them understand your unique brain and nervous system needs?

There are many great teachers, mentors, and coaches. But not all of them will get you.

How many of them can support you without judgment?

In fact, it’s often the fear of judgment that prevents us from reaching out to request support.

(4) Ask for the Support You Need

For people with ADHD — especially for women — asking for that support is often the hardest part.

So many of the things that women with ADHD need support with are what most people consider “basic” life skills. Organizing things. Going shopping. Taking care of life. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that trip us up.

The shame around needing support for these basic life tasks can prevent us from asking for and receiving the support even when we are clear that we need it.

We must overcome the voice of judgment in the back of our minds that says I should be able to do this on my own.

Breaking through that shame is often the heaviest lift of asking for support.

(5) Receive the Support You Need

To actually receive support, you must let go of two things that can be incredibly sticky:

• Shame around receiving support
• Your Ego

Yes, you had to overcome the shame to ask for the support you needed. But be warned that this shame may not go away completely once you ask for support.

Often it roars back in the form of judgment about the support we are receiving, or a voice of ego that tells us we have a better way:

This isn’t working for me.

This person doesn’t understand me.

I need to do this my way.

Let’s be honest: even for women without ADHD, receiving support can be a challenge.

For generations, women have fought for our independence and autonomy, to be seen as capable, to claim sovereignty over our own lives. The idea that we might need support often feels like a betrayal of those ideals — even though it isn’t.

It’s the nature of human survival that we depend on the tribe. The village raises the children. Nobody can be expected to do it alone.

Claim the Support You Need

What might be possible for you in your life if you actually identified what support you need, and dared to claim it — without apology or shame?

That support is waiting for you when you are ready to ask for it.

As a first step, perhaps ask for support in figuring out what kind of support will be most useful for you.