Relationships are the heartbeat of life; without them we cannot survive. All types of relationships matter: your life partner, kids, friends, clients, colleagues, and even strangers.
What keeps these heartbeats strong is how we communicate.
Beneath any relationship that is failing lies disrupted communication that results in one or both people not feeling heard, respected, and valued.
The good news is that it’s easy to revive broken down communication patterns.
All you need is proper intention, awareness, a reset on your deep memory to clear out old perceptions, and a willingness to engage in active listening.
Whether it’s a heart-to-heart with a friend, a coaching call, a negotiation, or delivering feedback, there are certain pre-requisites to having constructive conversations.
5 Pre-Requisites For Constructive Conversations
(1) Energetics: Regulate Your Nervous System
The first step to a constructive conversation happens before you even start the conversation. It’s important to manage your energetics so that you can come to the conversation with clear intentions and without any pent-up emotions that might interfere.
Before going into any conversation — especially one of importance or meaning — makes sure to regulate your nervous system. When we are in fight-or-flight mode, we are more likely to activate our defenses. In this state, even the neutral comments feel like a threat, causing our bodies and hearts to shut down. We might dissociate — aka zone out — and lose connection.
Settle your nervous system with a few minutes of meditation or deep breathing before starting the conversation so you can come from a place of calm.
(2) Have an Actual Conversation
An actual conversation is a synchronous dialogue between people in real time.
It’s not a text exchange, a chat, or an email exchange. It’s not even an “instant message.”
The key here is synchronous. Ideally, both people are in the same place at the same time. At the very least, they are in the same time — on the phone or via video conference.
What we say is not limited to the words. Facial expression, body language, and tone of voice all add layers of meaning. They tell us more about what someone is actually feeling than words alone.
(3) Create Space
A meaningful conversation requires the proper environment. In my real estate business, I never discuss offers with clients while they are in transit; the hustle of the city streets is the wrong environment for making significant decisions about their future. Instead, I ask them to call me when they are in a place where they can sit still and be grounded.
While you might catch up with a friend while walking down the street or driving your car, those are not ideal situations for conversations of a deeper or more important nature.
The right environment will depend on the nature of the conversation. If the matter is important, or potentially triggering, find a space where you can be grounded and stay regulated.
Sometimes your car can be a suitable environment — as long as you’re not driving.
(4) Create Time
Any conversation of importance requires dedicating time. It doesn’t necessarily need a lot of time, but even a 10 minute conversation should be planned.
Catching people on the fly, when you or they might be running to a next appointment, in the middle of working on something else, or be otherwise pre-occupied, is not conducive to meaningful connection and conversation.
If it’s important enough to discuss, it’s worth the effort to carve out a mutually workable time and dedicate the space in your calendar for a proper conversation.
When you mutually schedule a time, you ensure that both people can come to the conversation regulated and centered, where each can be in an environment suitable for the conversation (if you’re not in the same place). It also sets you up better for the next pre-requisite.
(5) Make Notes of Your Talking Points
Before you go into the conversation, make notes of your key talking points and your outcomes.
- What do you want to convey?
- What do you hope the other person will take from the conversation?
- What do you want to receive?
One thing that makes difficult conversations difficult is that conversations are a game of improve. We may know what we want to say, but we can’t predict how the other person will receive. No matter how many times you practice in your mind or even with a friend, the actual conversation will unfold differently than you plan.
It’s easy to get diverted from your main point and leave feeling like you didn’t accomplish your goal.
To avoid that situation, make notes of your key talking points. Also set an intention of what you want the other person to take from the conversation and what you hope to receive.
These pre-requisites will prime you for any constructive conversation, whether it’s a heart-to-heart with a friend or colleague, a negotiation, a coaching call, delivering feedback, or working through a tough issue with someone.
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