If you’re ever gotten pushback in school, at work, or in any other setting for asking a question or raising an issue that someone else also raised — without getting flack for it — then you might identify with the Wicked child described in the Passover Haggadah.
The Passover Haggadah speaks of four children: the Wise, the Wicked, the Simple, and One Who Doesn’t Know How to Ask.
What’s the true difference between the Wise and the Wicked child?
The “Wicked” child is the rebel. Apparently this child’s misdeed is asking “what’s the meaning of this service to you?”
According to the sages, by using the pronoun you instead of us, the child implies that they are not included in this process.
But the Wise child also uses the pronoun you.
And here’s where the analogy comes in: you can almost hear the protest from the “Wicked” child.
Why am I getting labeled as the bad kid when my sibling asked a similar question?
What makes the Wise child’s question worthy of praise while the “Wicked” child is castigated and shunned?
What really makes the Wicked child so wicked?
Perhaps it is only in the mindset of those judging or ascribing labels.
Beyond the Family Table
Substitute sibling for co-worker, classmate, colleague, peer, friend, and you begin to see a pattern.
This dynamic infiltrates every relational setting — whether families, work teams, classrooms, or even service providers who work with individual clients.
What We Hear Depends on How We Listen
We hear things that other people say through our filters. Our filters include every aspect of our experience, from our own unconscious biases, privileges, educational status, to our values and desires. Most relevant here, our filters include our preconceived notions of who people are, based on labels we give them or we have heard ascribed to them.
Preconceived notions of who someone is can alter how we hear their question or comments, even if they use the same tone of voice and the same words as another person.
Consider two people in a workplace, or two students in a classroom, who raise similar issues or ask similar questions.
If you perceive one to be a chronic complainer or troublemaker, then you’re more likely to view their comments or questions as complaints. You might be dismissive of the issues they bring forward, even if they have merit.
If you perceive the other as a diligent and hard worker, you might be more receptive to their comments — even when they raise the exact same issues.
Our preconceptions of who someone is and how we feel about them can cause us to hear that person’s comments or questions in a different tone, and judge them differently than we would judge someone else for asking the same question or raising the same issue.
What Happens When We Remove Our Filters
When we listen to people with neutral ears — without our preconceptions of who they are or assumptions about their motives or state of mind, we might discover that what they bring forward has merit.
Without the filter of our judgment, the “Wicked” child may turn out not to be so Wicked after all.
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