I’m Tired of Being Tired

For as long as I can remember, I have worked harder than everyone I know.

In school, I studied more. I labored over homework. I agonized over concepts that I didn’t understand. I often felt lost in class. I worked extra hard.

When I started my career as a lawyer, I was often at the office later at night than my colleagues. Everything seemed to take me longer to do than it took other people.

In my business as a real estate broker and a coach, I often feel I work harder than my colleagues. I care more. I want my clients to make the right decisions for them. I care about integrity, about getting things right.

When it comes to my body and my strength and my mobility, I put the hours in at the gym. More than anyone else I know. My trainer gives me drills, and I do them, no matter how long they take.

I put a lot of effort into my blog. I want to write essays that will truly serve. Not just listicles or surface-level how-to posts.

I care. Probably more than I should care.

And yet, despite all this work, despite all this caring, despite the consistency with which I approach the fundamentals, I don’t see the results that I see other people have.

I know that part of this feeling of working harder than others is the mask I put on my ADHD — working extra hard to keep up a pace and expectations set by and for neurotypical people.

I am learning to accept that sometimes, I need more time. When I get into the car, I need a beat to organize myself before I turn on the ignition. When I arrive at a destination, I need a beat to settle in before I’m ready to speak to people.

None of that diminishes what I’m about to say:

I am tired.

Not just tired. I’m fucking exhausted.

I’m tired of working so much harder than others and not seeing results.

As a single woman, I don’t have anyone else to share my home responsibilities. I have to think about what to eat and cook for meals, when to do my laundry, all the other life stuff that happens behind the scenes that nobody ever talks about.

I’m tired of having to do it all on my own.

I’m tired of people online who purport to tell me how easy it is to create a website and a landing page and run a business as a solopreneur, when they have supportive spouses or teams or families who believe in what they do.

I’m too tired to even tell you all the things I’m tired of.

Most of all, I’m tired of being tired.

If you’re here looking for a solution, I don’t have one for you today.

But here’s what I can tell you:

The first step to making a change is radical honesty — with yourself. Nothing changes until you admit what’s not working.

I’m tired. Tired of trying to do everything on my own. Tired from working so much harder than is probably necessary. And tired of being tired.

And that’s the first step.