At the root of all resistance and sabotaging behavior lies a single culprit:
FEAR.
If you’re seeking growth, pushing boundaries, setting big goals, and trying to do big things and make a big impact, at some point you’re going to confront it. In all likelihood, it also is already living in your body.
Even though we all know it’s there, we often try to avoid it.
Avoiding your fear just allows it to grow, like a cancer inside your body. The only way to move forward is to work with the fear, to befriend it, to hold it.
And you can’t hold or befriend the fear until you identify the fear.
Many of my clients are super smart entrepreneurs who have advanced degrees. When it comes to talking about their fears, they tend to exhibit a common resistance pattern of abstraction and generalization
They talk around the fear, or generalize it, rather than getting specific.
What this looks like in practice is labeling their fears with broad-brush strokes such as fear of failure or fear of success.
The problem with these generalizations is that they don’t identify the actual fear.
In my coaching practice, I push my clients to get specific about their fears. One of my favorite frames to use in this conversation is the distinction between risk and consequences.
Risk vs Consequences
Legendary rock climber Alex Honnold, who has become famous for his “free solo” climbs without ropes, talks about the difference between risk and consequences.
He explains this using the example of fear of heights. Fear of heights is a common fear, and likely an issue if you’re climbing 3000-foot tall rock walls without safety lines or a belay partner.
Honnold explains that when people say they have a fear of heights, that’s not their actual fear. What they actually fear is falling from heights and dying.
Falling is the risk. Dying (or severe injury) is the consequence.
According to Honnold, once you identify the risk and consequences, you can take efforts to mitigate both.
What’s the Consequence You Fear?
In my own personal practice, and with my clients, I introduce the “risk vs consequence” framing to drill down to the actual fear.
So when we say we have a “fear of failure,” that’s an abstraction.
Failure is the risk. The consequence of failure is the thing you fear.
The question then becomes:
What’s the consequence of failure in this situation?
In other words, what do you believe will happen if you fail? What meaning are you giving to failure?
You can apply the same framing to the “fear of success.”
Repeat the Inquiry
Often, I need to repeat this inquiry multiple times until I get to the root fear.
In my personal practice, each time I work through this, I get to the same root fear:
The fear of being alone and isolated, of being utterly on my own.
For example, the consequence of failure in putting my work out to the world more publicly is rejection — that nobody will want what I’m offering.
Fear of rejection is a common fear. You might take it at face value.
But on closer look, rejection is a risk.
What I really fear is the consequence of rejection — being alone, having no support system.
Another consequence of failure is that I won’t earn income. I’ll exhaust my savings and I’ll be broke and homeless.
When I drill down, this too, can be seen as a risk. The consequence of this risk is that I’ll be alone with no support system, and that I won’t survive.
This is where the real work starts.
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