What does it take to accomplish a big goal — or an achievement that wasn’t even in the realm of your goals?
In the last days of 2023 I blew past my expectations and understanding of my own capacity when I completed a 220-pound barbell deadlift. My previous high had been 205, and I hadn’t touched that in the previous 6 months.
That singular experience was a microcosm of lessons I learned in 2023. These lessons apply to life beyond the gym.
In Part 1 of this review, I shared the first theme of lessons, about the preparation and dedication it takes to reach big goals.
The second big theme evident in this victory, as well as in my other big wins from 2023, is the value of receiving support.
Big Lesson Theme 2: Invest in the Support You Know You Need
Whether it’s a big PR in the gym or reaching big (or small) milestones in business or life, many of use would like to think we can do it on our own.
The belief that “I can do this without support” is the second-most damaging belief we carry.
The only belief that is more damaging is the belief that “I should be able to do this on my own.”
The reason these beliefs are so damaging is that they come disguised as empowering beliefs. They seem like they would be supportive, instilling us with confidence. In fact, they have the opposite effect: they deny us of receiving the support we need, and inflict us with guilt and shame when we do realize we need support.
The truth is that very few people accomplish great things on their own.
When we achieve something big on our own, it’s usually in spite of going solo, not as a result of going solo. It’s an anomaly, an exception to the rule.
We need the support of others — both community and coaches — to do the heavy lifts in life.
In a class environment, I’m often fueled to try harder and push my edge by the energy of the class.
Some of this may be due to a competitive spirit. This isn’t a bad thing. The word “competition” means “to seek together.”
When I see how others are pushing themselves and not breaking apart, it gives me confidence that I can also push more and not break.
That said, It’s important to know yourself.
I’ve found community is not enough for me.
After years of trying to mask my ADHD, one of the most important things I’ve learned is that I often also need support for the lighter lifts — the things that might come easily to many people.
Here are 5 reasons why I’ve found investing in coaching to be crucial to making progress — both in the gym and in life.
(1) It Allows Me to Push My Edge in a Way That Feels Safe
A long history of personal experience has revealed that I don’t push myself as hard when I’m on my own as I do when I’m showing up in community or working with a coach.
When it comes to lifting heavy weights, a part of that reluctance to push harder is rooted in fear of injury. Having someone by my side to correct my technique and ensure I’m staying safe allows me to push my edge.
Without a coach, I wouldn’t have pushed myself as much in my weekly deadlifting sessions. In fact, in over 10 years of working out daily, the only times I’ve made substantial progress is when I’ve worked with a coach.
The same has applied to my “heavy lifts” outside the gym.
In life and business the “heavy lifts” we take are often actions that feel emotionally risky and vulnerable.
Being in collectives with other entrepreneurs and seeing other people take risks lets me know that I’ll be safe in taking risks as well.
Working with coach has helped me normalize my fears, co-regulate my nervous systems, and has give us techniques to take risks in a way that feels safe.
Even though nobody is lifting the weights for me — in the gym or in my life — the heavy lifts feel lighter when I’m working in collaboration with others, and surrounded by the energy of others.
(2) I Show Up Better
Another part of it is knowing how I best access my motivation and drive.
I have seen that I show up better when I show up in community and collaborate with others.
Like many people who are drawn to service, I will often do more for others than I’ll do for myself. I show up better when I feel like others have a stake in the outcome or are relying on my presence.
It would be nice to show up this way for myself — and it’s something I actively work on cultivating in myself.
In the meantime, instead of this aspect of myself being a block to making progress I can use this information to set up the conditions in which I show up at my best.
For many people, too, the investment in coaching causes us to show up at our best — so that we see a return on our investment.
(3) It Conserves My Energy and Bandwidth
Whether at the gym or in your day, it’s always better to show up with a plan.
It can’t be emphasized enough: decisions are distractions. They drain energy, cognitive bandwidth, and the limited supply of dopamine my ADHD brain makes.
That dopamine is essential for executive function and the core cognitive work I do. The more decisions I can outsource to someone else or ritualize, the more bandwidth I free up for the work that matters.
The internet has no shortage of information on workout plans and exercises. AI can even create a workout program for me.
I’ve spent hours going down both of those rabbit holes, often with the result that I’ve depleted my decision and action energy before I even started to do the work.
Even worse, that general information doesn’t take into account my specific circumstances and needs. The YouTube videos don’t know my compensation patterns or the exercises that don’t actually work well for me.
My weightlifting coach gives me guidance on what to do in the gym on days when working out on my own, so I can show up and stay focused on what I need to do.
This keeps me from wasting time energy on research or on doing things that won’t benefit me (or, worse, could hurt me).
It also frees me from the myriad of little decisions that consume precious bandwidth.
Freeing up this energy translates not only into heavier lifts in the gym, but also in a boost in focus in the rest of my day.
This principle applies everywhere. There’s no shortage of advice for actions you can take to grow a business, improve a relationship, or achieve any other outcome.
That’s not a solution. In fact, it’s part of the problem.
At best, sorting through that information takes time and energy, and can leave you overwhelmed and confused about what is actually applicable to you and your situation.
At worst, that information can lead you down the wrong path.
(4) Saves Me Frustration of Trying to Do Things That Won’t Work
The “what” to do is easy to find on the internet. The “how” to do it and “when” to do it is more complicated.
No two people are alike. The exercises and cues that work for one person don’t always work for everyone in the same way.
One of the principles I use in my coaching is to always coach the “what” based on the “who.” This means that whether I’m helping a client navigate challenges or teaching a technique, I consider the client in front of me:
How they process information.
How they learn best.
The space they need.
Their strengths and skills.
There’s much we can get from group classes and coaching programs, or general advice on the web. But ultimately, to make meaningful progress we need guidance tailored to us.
As a neuro-divergent, I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to apply general advice without success. I’ve often been left in tears wondering what’s wrong with me. That’s the kind of damage that has ripple effects way beyond the specifics of the circumstances.
Working with a coach who understands what I need has saved me those frustrations, tears, and self-doubts.
By accepting myself more fully in the gym I’ve been able to accept myself more fully outside of the gym.
(5) It Fuels My Confidence and Self-Belief
I wouldn’t have thought I could deadlift 220, especially when my previous PR was 205 and I hadn’t hit it in 6 months.
I didn’t have to believe it, because I had a coach who knew my potential better than I did.
Perhaps this is the most important reason to work with a coach.
A coach can give you what friends, family, manager, and colleagues cannot: objective perspective.
It is a truth that we cannot see our own blind spots. We also cannot see our own potential.
The people who know us best and are closest to us see us through the filters of how they have known us in the past, what they know about our history, and their own experiences and biases.
This can limit our self-view, because we see ourselves through the lens of those who are closest to us, this can limit how we see ourselves.
The best coaches see us through a neutral lens, unencumbered by knowledge of your past or their vision for what they want for your future.
They often see in us more than we can see in ourselves, and they can see potential for us that those closest to us cannot see.
Energy is contagious. Having someone on my side who has confidence in me has fueled my confidence beyond the specifics of that situation.
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