During Venus’ retrograde journey through Leo, one of the core issues for review and reflection is visibility: what keeps you from claiming your spotlight?
As I always say, if you want to be seen by others, you must first be willing to see yourself.
Venus is said to “hold up a mirror.” When retrograde, it invites us to investigate whether we like what we see in the mirror.
What does it mean to “see yourself”?
To see yourself means to see your habits of thought, belief, and action; the patterns that drive your behavior. It means to see the inner workings of your system: the ways in which you respond to events, situations, or people.
Nevine Michaan, the founder of Katonah Yoga, reminds us that we can’t see our own blind spots.
This is where the metaphor of Venus holding up a mirror falls short. Mirrors reflect back what we are looking for. If you want to see flaws, you’ll see flaws. And if you want to see yourself as handling every situation with perfect grace, that’s what you’ll see.
That has its utility sometimes, but the purpose of our review and reflection during a retrograde is to create awareness of our habits that keep us stuck and change our direction.
Unfortunately, mirrors don’t show us our blind spots. If you try to use a mirror to check your form in a physical practice, you’ll take yourself out of alignment by looking in the mirror.
For this work, we need different tools and resources.
For the past 9 months, the tool I’ve been using the most for this work has been my phone. Specifically, the video camera.
Video for Physical Review
For over twenty years, I have regularly recorded my flying trapeze and trampoline practices so I could review my form and my tricks.
In trapeze, I work hard to keep my legs straight. I often feel like I kept them straight. Then I review the video and realize the truth: my knees were bent. In the gym, I’ll feel like I squatted deeper, only to watch the video and see I hardly squatted at all.
The body’s sensations can deceive us, especially when it comes to movement and where our body parts are in space.
In the context of any physical practice, video is a useful tool to literally see ourselves.
When I started doing CrossFit and weightlifting, it was obvious to me that I would want to record myself for the same reason: to review my physical movements and see my form.
Using Video to See Behavior
That said, video can be a useful — if humbling — tool outside the context of the physical body. I have been recording every session with my trainer since we started working together in October.
The primary reason I started to record our sessions was to review my physical movement patterns and hear his cues so I could practice more effectively on my own.
From our first session, I knew that these videos could serve a purpose larger than a chronicle of my weight-lifting and rehabilitation journey.
This is unlike any content anyone has seen when it comes to training and fitness. It’s like a documentary that acts as a real-life counter to the myths about what it takes to really build strength or change habits and patterns.
In our documentary are lessons that extend beyond proper form and training tips. Our interactions also offer lessons in communication skills, interpersonal interactions, and the power of environment over willpower.
Seeing Under the Surface
Reviewing the videos has opened my eyes to something far more profound than how I move through a deadlift or squat. It has shown me how I show up in my various states of nervous system regulation or dysregulation.
Sometimes I’m snarky and funny and we are joking around.
Other times, not so much.
It’s fascinating — and often horrifying — to see my facial expressions change, hear my tone of voice, and notice my body language change in response to external or internal conditions that may cause my nervous system to dysregulate.
Seeing Yourself is Not Easy
It can be hard to watch and listen to some of these videos. Sometimes, as I review them — far from the gym — I notice how my system starts to go into its habitual fight/flight/freeze patterns even as I’m watching the video — when there is no direct stimulus from a heavy load or the loud gym bros in the background.
That said, forcing myself to watch them has been some of the most important work I’ve done in my healing journey.
It’s forced me to be visible to myself.
This is the essential first step.
How to Know When You’re Ready to Be Seen
I’ve hardly shared any of these videos. Yet.
For months, I beat myself up about this. But then I realized that this work wasn’t meant to be shared right away.
First, I had to do the deep inner work to truly see myself in these videos and to see what they showed me. I had to be able to see myself as I show up, without forming judgment or getting defensive about my behavior.
I had to create distance and objectivity, and find compassion for my healing journey.
When I can watch these videos and not feel the charge that was arising in the moment, that’s when I know I am ready to share them.
Before we can be seen by others, we must be willing to see ourselves.
Not for the purpose of beating ourselves up as a protective mechanism, but for the purpose of understanding ourselves and developing self-compassion for where we are in our process.
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