Four years ago today I resolved to start and maintain a daily meditation practice. This was not a “resolution” that I would start on January 1. I resolved to sit for a daily meditation and I started right where I was in the moment of resolve. I was in the stretch area of the gym, having just completed my morning workout.
Meditation wasn’t new to me. In fact, I had tried to get traction on a daily meditation practice before, but I’d always fall off track.
I knew I liked how I felt after meditation but things would pop up and the day would get away from me and …. that’s how it goes sometimes. Or that’s how it used to go. I’ve made it to my “cushion” every day since that day, December 30, 2015.
In case you’re wondering, my daily meditation practice is still not a habit.
“Cushion” is a relative term. I don’t actually own a meditation cushion. Nor do I have a tidy little area in my home that is a dedicated meditation space. In fact, currently I don’t even have a home. Not even a rental. I’ve been living home-free since I sold my apartment last September. So my meditation “cushion” is whatever is available for me to sit on. Ideally some prop that helps me raise my hips above the level of my knees, as this helps me sit straighter.
My Unconventional Meditation Space
Most often, I sit for meditation at the gym, propped up on a foam roller, which is kind of an odd choice, but it works for me. I like to imagine maybe it’s giving me a little more core and stability work. But who knows.
The gym is a noisy place, and sometimes the clanging weights or conversations around me can be annoying. Part of my practice of finding my inner calm is to do so when surrounded by the bro who can’t seem to put weights down without slamming them, the old guy pummeling the punching bag, and the old ladies who think the gym is the best place to chat about all of their ailments.
As I see it, meditation practice is practice for when we need to find that inner calm and stillness in real life, off the cushion. Like when you’re in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is paying in pennies or you’re stuck in a subway car underground and late for a meeting. Or when the kid behind you on an airplane is kicking your seat.
How you practice is how you perform. I like to practice in game-time conditions.
The Internal Noise
The external noise is one obstacle to the stillness and silence promised by meditation. But a far greater obstacle is the internal noise: the incessant chattering of my thoughts.
My thoughts do not stop. Ever.
From morning to night, and even through the night (I am not a good sleeper, no matter how hours I spend in “sleep”) my thoughts run. Not even straight line running, like on a treadmill. They run wild like kindergarteners on the playground, switching directions on a whim and going into every corner to explore.
I hear the narration in my mind of elegant articles, blog posts, emails and sales copy (none of which ever feels as elegant on the page as it was in my mind). Suddenly another layer drops in and I hear a brilliant idea. Then I’ll find myself in stories about something that is going on in my life. Maybe hijacked by emotion: anger at that person who betrayed me, sadness about a loss. The next thing I know I’m in logistics mode, figuring out when I need to leave to get to my next appointment on time. Then a friend pops into my head and I’m wondering how she’s doing. Then I remember something I need to do later. All of this at once.
And so it goes. The thoughts, and their endless churn, exhaust me.
The Mind Has No “Off” Switch
I long for an “off” switch to stop the flow of thoughts sometimes.
This desire for an “off” switch is what brings many of us to meditation. There’s a prevalent myth that meditation provides the off switch.
Many people tell me they tried meditation but they quit because they aren’t “good at it.” What led them to that belief? They can’t stop their thoughts.
So let’s get real for a moment about what is and isn’t possible.
My mind did not come with an “off” switch. Neither did yours.
The Mind Thinks. By Design.
The mind is designed for thinking. That’s its job, similar to the way the heart’s job is to pump blood. If the heart stops pumping blood, you’re dead. If you don’t have thoughts, you’re dead.
Meditation is not going to stop your thoughts.
What meditation can do is slow them down. Meditation allows us to get outside our thoughts, to become the observer of our thoughts at a distance. With the perspective of that distance, we can see through the stories or beliefs we hold.
I used to live in my head, consumed by the thoughts running through my mind. And of all the places we can live, living in our heads is the worst. (I say this as someone who hasn’t had a home in over a year. I’ve tested all varieties of homes.)
Through meditation, I’ve been able to get out of my mind more, observing thoughts rather than marinating in them.
Meditation allows me to listen to the thoughts, decide which ones serve me and are worth keeping and which don’t serve me and warrant discarding.
We all have a need to be heard by others. One thing I’ve learned in my journey is that if you want others to hear you, then you must listen to yourself first. Meditation opens the portal for that listening.
What Meditation is Like
A great metaphor I’ve heard describes thoughts as cars on a highway. In meditation, you’re sitting on the side of the highway watching the cars pass. You’re not grabbing onto the back of a car and letting it drag you away.
The cars don’t stop coming. We can’t shut down the mind. But we can choose not to get dragged down the highway.
To be clear, this is not something that happens overnight. I still have moments when I get hijacked by thoughts and the emotions they create. With practice, it happens less frequently, and when it does happen I’m able to unhook faster.
The ability to witness when we’re hooked and then unhook is a muscle. Building that muscle, like all strength conditioning, requires consistent effort.
Yet another reason why the gym is really a perfect place to practice.
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