Why Are We Obsessed with the Pursuit of Happiness?
Look around in any book store, at any newsstand or on any lifestyle-oriented website. Have you noticed how many titles and articles are devoted to the topic of happiness. It seems that everyone is eager to share the latest research on what makes us happy and dispense prescriptions on how to find happiness.
We are a culture obsessed with finding happiness.
Obviously, this is not new. The pursuit of happiness is embedded into the the foundational cornerstone of our country’s founding. The promise of happiness is implicit in the advertising for every product and service (at least if the advertising is effective).
But in this era where everyone is an expert it seems we have reach new extremes.
The conflicting advice is dizzying:
Acquire more. Embrace minimalism.
Invest in experiences. Invest in education.
Broaden your social circles. Deepen your connections.
Be more active. Sleep more.
Give to others. Allow people to give to you.
Set and achieve goals. Don’t set goals.
The only thing that seems clear is this: no matter what you accomplish, what you have, or what you do, an expert is waiting in the wings to tell you that your true happiness is found in the opposite.
Whichever path we choose in this regard, we are seeking our happiness in something external: our possessions, accomplishments, friends, work, experiences, status, and so on.
A long-standing alternate approach has been receiving more acceptance in our culture, and efforts to swing the pendulum in the other direction are slowly gaining traction. This movement’s central message is that happiness is found within; it is choice that we can make at any time. Seeking happiness in our external world will never yield lasting results.
If you want to be happy then simply “choose happiness.”
The idea that we can be happy independent of external factors is a refreshing change in our culture, which has long clung to the collective belief that happiness is found in the next promotion, achievement, or acquisition. The idea that we can choose happiness offers us a permanent freedom from our well-entrenched pattern of constantly seeking “the next thing.” This is a paradigm shift!
Except, it isn’t.
Both of these approaches are answering the same question: where do we find happiness?
What seems to be lost here is the answer to a different question:
Why are we so obsessed with pursuit of happiness?
Or, more accurately, Why are we so resistant to feeling unhappy?
The idea that we can “choose happiness” at any time is dangerous. It carries a subtle message:
If you’re not happy, then you chose wrong. There’s something wrong with you.
We don’t always think this consciously. Instead, it manifests in the way we berate ourselves for feeling the way we do:
“I know I should be happy.”
“I know I have so much to be grateful for.”
#firstworldproblems
Or, we simply avoid the feelings through some form of escape: an extra glass of wine, piling on the busy work, checking email for the 30th time in an hour, looking for the silver lining, drowning ourselves in the social stream… anything to avoid being alone with our emotions.
Both of these approaches hurt us.
Our moments of unhappiness exist for a reason: they are signals for places where we need to make changes. If we deny or escape from our feelings, we won’t get to a place where change becomes necessary. We cannot ever hope to move forward if we don’t first embrace where we are. What you resist, persists.
The catalyst for any real and lasting change comes only when we fully immerse in our emotional experience. We must be willing to be with the uncomfortable and painful emotions until we reach the point where we feel “that’s it, I’ve had enough.” At that moment — the moment of resolution — change is our only option. And once we reach it, we start to climb out of the hole.
None of that can happen if we slap on a few positive affirmations and inspirational quotes.
We honor ourselves most when we allow ourselves to be in the truth of our experience.
We need to let go of our fear of painful emotions. There is no bad or good. There is no right or wrong. There is only the truth of what we feel.
Give yourself permission to be in your expereince.
Allow yourself the time and space to embrace your emotions.
Even the painful ones.
Especially the painful ones.
Take comfort in the knowledge that no state is permanent; all arise within us to teach us something.
In the lessons we learn, we find our path to happiness.
[…] is America: a land where the pursuit of happiness is so unrelenting that we attempt to impose it even in the moments dedicated to solemn […]