Today is my 49th birthday.
As someone who is rarely at a loss for words, I’ve found it hard to write about this. Not that I have to, of course. But I wanted to honor the moment by reflecting on what it means to turn 49.
I considered the significance of 49 in numerology and in various wisdom traditions. I read essays written by other people on turning 49. I read about interesting behavioral trends of “nine-enders.”
But I didn’t want to write about observations and trends. I didn’t want to write something abstract and distanced.
I wanted to write an essay about my experience.
What it means for me to be 49.
Sometimes it seems that writing about my own experience might be the easiest path, but to write about our own experience — without abstracting or intellectualizing it — is often the harder work.
Here are some insights about my experience of being 49.
On Embracing Your Own Experience
I can’t tell you what 49 will mean for you.
Just like reading other people’s experiences couldn’t tell me what it means for me.
To be 49 is to learn how to embrace and honor your own experience.
On Clarity
I went to my favorite park to sit by the water. Usually I can see across the sound, but today there was a fog and I couldn’t see to the other side.
It felt like a fitting metaphor.
Sometimes life is foggy and we can’t always see to the other side. We don’t always have clarity in the moment on what something means.
To be 49 is to embrace the fog, to be willing to sit in the mystery, to find peace in the not knowing.
On Time
Today I am the age my grandmother was when I was born. She is still alive and well at 98. And I realized that I am now half her age.
This puts me exactly halfway through life, if I end up living as long as she has.
Of course I’m also aware that nothing is guaranteed.
To be 49 is to live in this tension: to recognize the precious nature of every day while also acknowledging that you have so many days ahead of you.
To be 49 is to know that the things that are worth creating or building take time and patience, and yet to fear running out of time.
On Confidence
I often find myself at a crossroads of confidence and doubt; experience and new beginnings. Knowledge and emptiness. This, too, is part of being 49.
To be 49 is to be confident some days and unsure some days.
To be 49 is to have decades of experience yet to sometimes feel like a novice.
To be 49 is to feel like you’ve gained a lifetime of wisdom, yet to realize how little you know.
On Reaching Potential
To be 49 is to realize that you have done so many amazing things, and yet to worry that you won’t reach your full potential.
To be 49 is to fall into the trap of setting big goals, while also knowing that sometimes the big goals and the expectations we set for ourselves can be the keys to our undoing.
On Seeking Support
To be 49 is to know it’s ok to seek support, while also trusting in your ability to go forward even without support.
On Self-Worth
To be 49 is to value who you are and what you contribute, yet to still have moments of self-doubt.
On Quitting
To be 49 is to know that sometimes the wise move is to quit while you’re ahead or to abandon what’s no longer working, yet to also want to see the thing through to the end.
On Regret
To be 49 is to want to seize the moments because you realize that the pain of regret is worse than the pain of failure.
On Body and Mind
To be 49 is to have days when you feel strong and invincible, and other days when you feel like you can hardly move.
To be 49 is to have days when your body fails you and other days when it surprises you. Sometimes both of those days happen at the same time.
To be 49 is to have days where your mind is sharp and other days when you can’t see past the fog.
On Emotions
To be 49 is to allow yourself to cry and to acknowledge that tears can mean many things — even all at once. Joy and anguish, grief and elation, anger and sadness.
On Friendship
To be 49 is to have friends who have known you for decades who can remind you of who you are, what you’ve overcome, and how far you’ve come.
On Love
To be 49 is to recognize all the ways in which you are loved, and to learn how to continue to find that love within yourself.
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