where you seek control
you’ll diminish your power
surrender to win
I’ve yet to meet a highly-accomplished, Type-A achiever who didn’t yearn for control over life events.
Have you ever noticed yourself seeking to control events, outcomes, or other people?
Or, to be more accurate: have you ever noticed how often you seek to control things or people?
I’ve been keeping tabs on my own impulses to seize control of projects, processes, outcomes, and people.
Sometimes it’s overt, like taking charge of a project to ensure that it will be done the “right” way.
I might resist delegating a task because I don’t trust other people to do the same quality job that I do.
In the past, I’ve taken over for others when I see that they are not doing the job in the way I believe it should be done.
I’ve been subject to other people trying to control me by micromanaging my tasks.
We often view control as a proxy for power. This belief is embedded into political discourse, where we talk about the party in control as the the party in power.
It’s a binary understanding of power: a power over/power under dynamic. And it’s all about control: who has it and how they get it.
The equivalence we place on power and control is most visible in our interactions with kids.
Have you ever noticed yourself seeking to control how a child is behaving?
Maybe the child is singing a song or making funny noises and it’s really annoying you, so you tell them to stop. Or the child is fidgeting and you tell them to control their body. Or the child is scowling and you tell them to smile.
Every time we try to direct someone else’s actions or behavior, we are seeking to control them in some way.
Maybe you’ve noticed that this can be draining. And it feels totally disempowering.
The person you seek to control ends up controlling you. By trying to control them you give them the power.
But a funny thing happens if if you stop seeking control: you get the power back.
When you stop trying to control another person, it’s like you pulled the plug on the energetic supply to their resistance.
This can feel like one of those Zen sayings, but it’s true:
The best way to regain your power is to give up control.
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