A Meditation on Writing

Forget everyone and everything
forget about the content plan
forget about strategy and niches and boxes
forget about headlines and headings
forget about readers and audiences and who’s it for

write from your heart
write what wants to come through
write what yearns to be expressed —
not “by” you but through you
write what is in the back of your throat,
and in the pit of your stomach
write the things you fear to write
in a way you fear to write them

there are words floating through my mind
sailing past my ears
an inner monologue telling me things to write
things that make sense
and yet don’t makes sense

and yet those are not the words
that emerge from my finger tips
typing on the keyboard

these are different words
and a different inner voice says,
write these words
share these words

I look down at the hands doing the typing
I don’t recognize them as my own
they have faint spots and puffy veins
finger tips with chewed up nails

they don’t belong here
these hands on this body
these chewed up finger nails,
a return to a habit long broken
and recently resurrected
this description of my hands
in this piece about writing

why not?
these hands are typing words
the words to be shared

it all belongs here
it’s all a part of life
it’s all part of my life

my hands
typing my words
for you to read

remember when coloring in the lines was a virtue?
when it was the sign of great talent
to stay within the boundaries
of a drawing created by an adult
and published in a book for children

and then at some point we learned
that coloring outside the lines
is the secret to success
coloring outside the lines
is how we innovate

and just like that
we had to unlearn
what we learned

how did I learn to be afraid?
how did I learn to have no confidence?
how did I learn to not trust people and the universe
and myself, most of all?

how did I learn to repress my anger
and to play nice
to please and appease?

how can I unlearn these things?

I am tired of boxes and niches
and content plans
and writing and saying the right things
for the wrong reasons

I am tired of mistrusting
conforming
yielding
learning false skills that hide my truth

My soul longs to breathe
to break free