How to Apologize Like You Mean It

Stop saying “I’m sorry” when you have nothing to apologize for. And when you do have something to be sorry for, apologize like you mean it.

Apologize Like You Mean It

A friend inadvertently stood me up for lunch. A technical mishap had deleted our date from his calendar. While I sat at the restaurant waiting, my calls and texts went unanswered. It turned out his battery had died. He was despondent. I was just happy he was ok; I had been worried. In my mind, there was nothing to forgive. This stuff happens.

The next day, he sent a beautiful flower arrangement to my office, accompanied by a simple note:

I’m so imperfect, and so sorry.

Six simple words, so humble and yet so powerful.

As I held the note in my hand, I realized that I was holding not simply an offer of apology, but something far greater: a lesson in how to apologize.

These six words said everything that needed to be said, and more.

How “I’m Sorry” Has Lost Its Meaning

Have you noticed how the words “I’m sorry” seem to come easily in almost every situation when there’s nothing to apologize for?

Some of us—especially women—have a tendency to apologize for practically everything, including the mere fact of our existence.

• You accidentally touch the person on the yoga mat next to yours: Sorry.
  An unexpected guest comes over and your house is a mess: Sorry.
• You send back your meal at a restaurant because the order was wrong: Sorry.
• Someone answers the phone when you call, they start to engage in conversation, and then they say “I’m sorry, it’s actually not a good time to talk?” Sorry.

(That’s a double apology that could be avoided by implementing a new tool called voicemail, but I’ll leave that for another time.)

Saying “I’m sorry” in these situations disempowers us; it conveys false humility and a lack of confidence and self-worth. By saying “I’m sorry” so often when it’s uncalled for, we devalue the meaning and spirit of these words when we truly need them.

The Elusiveness of Apology

When the situation really warrants an apology—when our actions hurt another person—the sincere apology seem to be elusive, if we are inclined to apologize in the first place.

I’m not going to give you examples here. Read the news from the past week and month, and you can find plenty.

Too often, we seek reasons to justify our behavior. Instead of taking responsibility and admitting our faults, we place blame: on our circumstances, on a third party’s actions, or, worst of all, on the person we hurt. Suddenly, “sorry” seems to be the hardest word. (Nope… not sorry for that.)

What You Need for a Proper Apology

Much has been written about how to offer a proper apology. I wonder if, perhaps, we we are making apologizing too complex.

Apologies don’t have to be hard, but they do have to be sincere.

For your apology to count, you must mean what you say.

How to Apologize Like You Mean It

Here are 3 rules:

(1) Stop apologizing all the time

Stop the unnecessary apologizing.

You have the right to send your meal back when the kitchen messed up the order, or because the soup arrived cold. Yoga class is crowded; it’s inevitable that you’ll touch someone next to you. Don’t apologize for asking questions or for stating your opinion.

Before you say “I’m sorry,” ask yourself:

• What am I sorry for? Is this something that I controlled or influenced?

If you had no control or influence over it, why are you apologizing?

Also, please stop using “I’m sorry” as a substitute for “excuse me.” They are not the same thing.

(2) Own your piece

When you do something that warrants an apology, own your piece. Acknowledge your actions. Take responsibility. Don’t seek to lay blame on others or on circumstances.

This does not mean that you have to be a martyr. Owning your piece doesn’t require you to fall on your sword.

This is life. We all mess up. Sometimes in big ways. Reflect on what you did and own your part. Acknowledge it, extract the lesson and use it to fuel your growth.

(3) Remember the six simple words

Whether you owe the apology to someone else or to yourself, keep it simple.

I’m so imperfect, and so sorry.

The flowers are a bonus. It’s the heartfelt sincerity that wins the day.

I’m so imperfect, and so sorry.

Do you have a hard time apologizing? Or do you tend to apologize even when you have nothing to be sorry for? I’d love to hear from you in the comments. xoxo