Why I’m Not Looking for a Silver Lining

Today is 9 days since I was in the emergency room, and I really expected that by now I would have been back to myself.

I am really trying to stay off of my screens and stick to The Rest Plan. This is NOT easy.

The brain is a funny organ. One moment I may feel fine, and then suddenly I’ll be light-headed or have a splitting headache. The unpredictability produces uncertainty. And yet, I am not drowning in despair.

The investments of time, money and energy that I made in furthering my personal development over the past 4 years are paying dividends in this experience. Each day brings new lessons, and I am so grateful for the ability to see them.

I experience moments of frustration and fear, but they are merely moments. I am not living there.

A previous version of myself would have wondered:

why did this happen to me?

A more evolved version of myself would have asked

why did this happen FOR me?

I would have looked for the grace. I would have sought the silver lining.

The me who exists today, on the heels of profound experiences in Israel, on the heels of the recent Awakening Course, armed with tools from so many teachers and mentors and my own faith, did not have to ask either of those questions.

If I were seeking the silver lining, I might have thought that perhaps this was meant as a challenge for me to overcome, to show myself and others that I can surmount any obstacle.

This is not a challenge. There is nothing here for me to prove to myself or to others.

If I were seeking the silver lining, I might have thought that perhaps this is a test, to determine if I am strong enough for … whatever is to come?

This is not a test. I believe that God doesn’t put us in situations that we can’t handle. And if that’s the case, then God doesn’t need to test whether I am strong enough. God knows.

I am not seeking a silver lining in this experience. To seek a silver lining is to presuppose that there is a cloud.

I don’t see a cloud. The sky is clear. The sun is shining.

This is a gift.

I can’t yet articulate all the ways in which this is a gift, but I see it. I see the lessons that I am needing to learn from this experience. I see how this is providing openings for learning at so many of the places where I have been struggling. This experience has been gifted to me so that I can condition myself in the principles of rest, presence, trust, surrender. Not just to know them intellectually, but also to live them.

This experience has been gifted to me so that I can strengthen my compassion and empathy — towards others, of course, but also, and most important, to myself.

This experience has come to help me further down the path of my awakening. It is here to give me the tools that I need to move forward in my journey in a way that is aligned with my intentions and purpose.

This experience provides me with an opportunity to place my trust in God and strengthen my belief that he is taking care of me.

One thing I’m learning is that I’m not the one in control. So even as I wonder when I’ll be back to “normal,” and eagerly anticipate when I can share the lessons I am learning, I must sit back and trust that the time for that will come … soon.