What to Do When Life Deviates From the Plan

What to do when things don’t go according to the plan, and when life is not how it should be.

Spring Snowfall

I am sitting at my table, writing. Without looking up, I can hear what’s happening outside my window. The audible silence gives it away. Snow is noticeable in its silence. I look up to confirm and see large snowflakes swirl outside my twelfth-floor window.

Yesterday was the first day of spring. Today it is snowing. Not just flurries. Giant snowflakes. They are falling fast and heavy.

Snow on the second day of spring. We don’t think this should happen.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is the concept that the mind cannot hold space for a new idea that conflicts with what we already know or believe to be true.

It pits one belief against another, a belief against a behavior, or our expectation of something against the reality of that thing.

Snow on the second day of spring creates cognitive dissonance.

In whatever form it shows up, it creates an internal fight in which there are no winners and only one loser: you.

When we try to grip to what we believe should be, rather than being with what is, we resist our experience. Resisting our experience create suffering.

If you believe spring is a time for sunshine and flowers, not snow boots and shovels, you might be resistant to the spring snowfall.

How to Resolve the Dissonance

With consistent practice of meditation and mindful awareness, we can learn to hold space for opposing ideas.

Cognitive dissonance dissipates. You alleviate suffering.

How do you do this?

Here are two practical strategies I like to use.

(1) Question Your Beliefs

In my practice, I’ve learned that our expectation of how things should be is based on a belief. And it’s helpful to question those beliefs:

Why do I hold this belief? What if this belief is based on false information?Snow in spring creates dissonance because we believe that it doesn’t or shouldn’t snow in spring.

Yet there’s plenty of evidence that snow in the early days of spring is not that rare.

(2) Embrace Your Experience

This week, for the first time, I created a content plan to guide my writing. That’s a big step for me. Planning is not my strength. Sticking to the plan is definitely not my strength.

I tend to crave structure and then rebel against it. This can creates extreme cognitive dissonance.

It might sound like this:

I didn’t follow the plan again. Why even bother having a plan?

It’s a push back against a belief that I should have a plan. This dialogue creates looping thoughts that in the past have trapped me.

I’ve learned my lesson. Instead of resisting the fact that I’m veering from the plan, I embrace the experience.

And here’s the thing: how do I know I’m not following the plan? I may be following a plan that I created from a higher plan of consciousness, even if it’s not the plan I wrote down the other day. There’s an element of trust involved: to trust my inner wisdom to guide me in my process.

Cast off the bonds of your thinking and you may notice, then, that you were never trapped in the first place. — Pamela Eakins, Ph.D.

Where are you gripping?

Where does cognitive dissonance show up in your life? Where are you gripping? Where are you resisting?

If you’re not sure, here’s a place to look:

My [fill in the blank] doesn’t look like what it should look like.Life isn’t going according to the plan. (See, there’s that pesky plan again.)

Consider:

• Why do you believe it should look different than it does?
• What if the life map you have is wrong?
• What if your life is going exactly according to the plan?

And what if that were ok? In fact, what if that was the gift of your life?

How can you embrace your experience, as it is?

It’s snowing on the second day spring.
I didn’t stick to my plan.
Your journey doesn’t look like it does on your map.

What if all of that is exactly the way it is intended?

I would love to hear about your “shoulds” and where cognitive dissonance shows up in your life. Please share in the comments.