If someone were to overhear how you speak to yourself, would they be inspired or appalled? What if you were to overhear yourself?
How often do you notice the way you speak to yourself, or the questions that are precipitating the self-talk?
Most of the time, our inner dialogue is maintained securely in the confines of our minds. But sometimes we speak things aloud without even realizing it.
In a recent workout, I was struggling through bicep curls with 15-pound dumbbells, wondering why this weight felt so challenging when a 55-pound barbell clean is my typical starting set.
Meanwhile, my friend Santiago was on the leg press machine right next to me. He seemed to be having a hard day. The energy wasn’t there.
I heard him let out a little sigh and then ask — out loud —
What is good with me?
For a moment I thought I misheard him, because his words didn’t match his tone. His tone was the tone you might expect if someone asked what is wrong with me?
I asked him if I heard correctly, and he confirmed that’s what he said. I don’t think he realized he said it aloud.
It struck me as a brilliant reframe of the default “what’s wrong with me?” question that I had been asking myself under the surface.
Here’s why it’s so brilliant.
Your Thoughts Are Responding to Questions You Ask Yourself
Our thoughts and self-talk are responses to questions that we ask ourselves.
For example, if you’re constantly focused on what’s wrong with you, that’s because you’re asking “what’s wrong with me?” If you’re always seeing the flaws, it’s because you’re asking some question that’s prompting you to look for the flaws, such as “how can I improve this?”
Although we might ask many questions under the surface, we typically have a habitual default question we ask across many contexts. Tony Robbins calls this your “primary question.”
The questions we ask ourselves set up our experience, and this is especially true for our primary question.
Questions direct our focus to seek answers. >> Where focus goes, energy flows. >> Where we put our energy shapes how we feel. >> How we feel becomes our experience.
The Challenge in Changing Your Thoughts
An easy — an obvious — way to change your thoughts is to change the question you’re asking yourself.
The problem is that often we aren’t aware of what questions we are asking. Many of the questions we ask are implicit — they are below the surface, in our subconscious.
They are habits.
As with every other habit, the first step is awareness.
When you notice your thoughts, investigate the question that is producing them.
Once you know what question you’re asking, you can change it — when you’re aware that you’re asking it.
It helps to have a new question lined up so that when you catch yourself in the old question you can change the question.
The Most Common Mistake People Make
This is where a lot of people get tripped up. The most common mistake we make when trying to change our question is that we think too big.
Once we know the question we ask most often, we often attempt change it by creating a completely different type of question.
For example if you catch yourself asking “what’s wrong with me?” your might shift to “what can I be grateful for right now?”
Here’s why this often fails:
Words and sentences have a cadence, rhythm, and tone.
A completely different question has a different rhythm and tone.
When your neural pathways are grooved to a certain rhythm, it’s a heavy lift for the nervous system to make such a drastic shift — especially when it’s already struggling just to be aware of the habit in the moment.
This makes it harder to groove a new default pathway for the brain. As a result, the old question — and the thoughts that flow from it — persists.
This is one reason why self-talk habits are particularly hard to change.
Habit change requires subtlety.
How to Make a Change That Sticks
This is why Santiago’s reframe is so brilliant: he kept the change small.
Instead of completely changing the question, he just changed one word.
He didn’t change the cadence, the rhythm, or even the tone.
It might not seem like much, but it’s everything.
That one word change is all you need to make a radical shift.
What is good with me? forces the brain to look for the good. When you start taking that into different contexts, the impact multiplies.
It’s the first principle of habit change: small changes yield big impact.
You still have to train the habit of the question, but it’s a lot easier to shift gears when you catch yourself in the default habit if you’re only changing one word.
Think about it like this: it’s much easier to remember one new word than an entirely new question.
Small changes might feel slower, they might not be as “sexy,” but they are more sustainable over time. And their impact can be huge.
The TL;DR
Your thoughts arise in response to questions you ask yourself, but the questions are often implicit. To change your thoughts, first create awareness of the question. Once you know the question, try changing just one word, instead of a complete overhaul.
Small changes yield big results.
Need Support?
In my coaching practice, I use science-backed tools to help my clients change persistent sticky habits, including rewiring their disempowering thoughts and beliefs, so they can experience a more meaningful and fulfilling life. Connect with me to learn more.
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