In the past, I have often held onto things, especially damaging relationships, for too long. Afraid of hurting feelings I might refrain from being too harsh.
But at some point I might snap. When I decided I was over it, I was OVER it.
Ruthless. Mean. No empathy. No kindness. Get. Out. Of. My. Face.
Get. Out. Of. My. Way.
Out. Out. Out.
In those moments I came face to face with my inner Destroyer archetype. Her fire raged within me, burning hot and red.
In her I saw a person who doesn’t give a shit who she mows down. Whatever is in her way, she wants it out.
The bigness of her, her intensity, often scared me.
Meeting her in those moments triggered one of my biggest fears:
What if, deep down, I am not a good person?
One of the reasons we don’t create space for ourselves to sit in the silence and examine who we are is because of this lingering fear:
What if I don’t like what I see? What if I don’t like the real me?
Related to this,
What if I show up as myself and nobody likes the real me?
Meditation is not all love and light. If you do enough inner work or sit for enough meditation, eventually you will be forced to confront these parts of yourself that aren’t always so conventionally appealing. These are the parts we put into shadow.
With my inner Destroyer archetype in shadow I didn’t assert healthy boundaries. I let people invade my space until it wore me down and I erupted in a fiery rage.
Over time, I have learned to embrace my Destroyer and come into a more healthy relationship with her. By no means is this work done; it’s a lifetime’s work.
In this process, I have learned that the question is not
what if I don’t like what I see?
Rather, the better question is
what happens when I see the parts of myself I don’t like?
You cannot avoid your shadow parts forever. Doing the work means sitting in the discomfort of what you don’t like. It’s only by going through this part that you can get to the love and light.
Once we see the parts we don’t like, we have the opportunity to heal. We can practice self-compassion and kindness as we shine a light on our shadow parts and befriend them. This is how we come into our wholeness.